SATIRE: The Wolfpack Needs A New Alpha

Democracy has had its run at CHS and it is not working out. We as students of CHS can no longer trust the corrupt system of democracy, which elects false and weak leaders. What we need now is a dictatorship! With a dictatorship, CHS students can sleep soundly knowing that there is a leader who has their best interest in mind.

ASB leaders have been assigned the duty to look after our wellbeing. Currently, they are doing a terrible job of doing this. The happiness of CHS students has been put in jeopardy as it seems like the heads of ASB are reluctant to help us out. Some of the positions that candidates may run for only have one option for whom to vote for…this definitely seems like a tried and true reputable system. The posters put up in our hallways lack any substance, the themes of dances always fall short of actual good, and the ASB room clearly gets nothing done during school hours. The members of ASB sit high up in their ivory tower, disregarding the wants and needs of students while they continue to only worry about their own selves. What has put these people in power? The election system that they created. We need a complete cleanse of this system!

CHS would be much better off with a singular leader who cares about their people. To select the proposed leader of ASB, there would not be an election held as we have seen how destructive elections can be. Instead, a singular student must prove themselves worthy to take the title of ASB Leader. How, you ask? Trial by combat!

This system of choosing our fearless leader at CHS will be utterly perfect. Not only does it test the raw strength of a leader, but it also delves into the intelligence of a leader. If forced to make quick decisions regarding a warring rival high school or avoiding hostile paper-airplane throws, it is essential that our leader is quick on their feet. These trials are something that is integral to guiding this high school into a glorious future.

After a candidate wins the trial, top-notch security will automatically rush them into their private quarters to get ready to address the entire school. As our leader stands atop the Doctor O’Connor Student Center and the wind is blowing in their hair while they look over the students that they rule over, then true power will be known. A golden staff will be provided to our leader as they patrol the campus. Our leader will obtain the right to leave their class and wander campus whenever they please. Here are a couple of code-of-conduct rules for whenever you may encounter our leader: always bow and nod to show respect, give them the signature CHS handshake, howl three times (for school spirit), clap, and salute.

Just think about it, wouldn’t “high school dictator” look great on college applications?