SATIRE: What Is An Artichoke?

This haunts my nightmares, and it will undoubtedly haunt yours too. Courtesy of

I consider myself to be a fairly knowledgeable person. In the realm of “common sense”, I have plenty. Ask me what an artichoke is, though, and I will be lost.
The truth is that I genuinely do not know what an artichoke is. I have the vague notion of it being a sinister vegetable-like nightmare, but many questions remain: is it truly a vegetable? Is it edible? Is it even relevant?
Maybe it is just me. Maybe I am the only one living a woefully artichoke-deprived life and my more enlightened peers are thriving in wonderful artichoke-ness, but artichokes simply do not seem to be prevalent in modern society. Sure, someone will mention artichoke hearts as a favorite pizza topping every once in a while, or you will find an artichoke dip at a Super Bowl party, but artichokes do not seem to be ingrained into our lives the way other plants are. When was the last time a hit show referenced an artichoke on a grocery list? Are there backpacks with artichoke designs like there are backpacks with avocado designs? You will almost certainly skip over the artichokes section the next time you go to a supermarket. I guarantee it. Does this make them feel unloved, abandoned, alone? Maybe. Do I particularly care about the feelings of artichokes? No. I only have room for one menacing green cryptid in my life, and the Duolingo owl has filled in that role magnificently.
Now that it has been established that artichokes are irrelevant, let us see what an artichoke actually is. According to our savior in these trying times, darling Wikipedia, an artichoke is “a European plant resembling a thistle, cultivated for its large flower heads”. That is a unique definition in that it clears up exactly nothing. What is the purpose of these large flower heads? Are they edible? Are they not? Have the artichoke-heart-pizza-topping people been lying to us for all these years and only now has their nefarious plot been revealed, when it is too late? Who knows? Certainly not me, despite the fact that I could simply search on beloved Google or even try this mysterious vegetable myself.
I am concluding this article even more confused than when I started it, which is saying something. A word of advice: the next time someone tells you they like artichoke hearts on their pizza, side eye them and walk away–backwards. That will confuse them, just like how they have confused you with their unnerving love for artichoke hearts. Payback is sweet, and maybe artichokes are too… I do not know for sure because I have never tried one and have no plans to ever do so. Stay safe, CHS, and watch out for those nefarious artichokes.