SATIRE: Duo the owl wreaking havoc on CHS one reminder at a time


Xiemena Marenco

Late at night, everything was as quiet as a mouse. The moon glowed eerily through the pane of glass: the only thing standing between the sleeping child and a malicious force of evil. The child awakened to a slow creak. Confused and groggy, they sat up to face the door. They saw nothing there. The child fell back against their pillow, but a sense of uneasiness filled the room. Chilled by the draft that seemed to enter, the child decided to sit up again– unfortunately the last thing they saw was a little green bird with a terrifying smile standing in the doorway before everything went dark.

This is the true story of a victim that fell to Duo, the icon and mascot of the world’s most successful language app. Duolingo has over 40 million daily users, but as one digs a little deeper, one finds that those “users” are nothing more than possessed victims that have lost all sense of security. Those who use Duolingo know that “allowing notifications” is really just signing their life away to the owl in their phones; and in one’s nightmares. The app will send constant reminders to keep your streak going, but it is clear that those “reminders” are really just threats.

As an avid Duolingo user myself, I painfully admit that those threats are definitely enough to scare you into practicing your French or Spanish. Amongst the most haunting is “Looks like you forgot your French lessons again. You know what happens now!” If you do not know what happens after ignoring the notification, you really do not want to find out.
But now Duolingo is taking it a step further, with Duolingo Push. The company launched a new program that will send Duo to come guilt trip you into keeping your language streak going, in real life. Yes, that is correct. The green owl will stalk you, find you, and then force you to learn how to say cat in German. I cannot wait to be reminded of being a failure by that dumb green

“Never miss a day of language practice again. Duolingo’s new, in-person notifications can find you wherever you are. Ignore at your own risk.”

To those who have already gone too far, sorry but it is too late for you now. And to those who are only starting to realize the fate of using Duolingo, run while you still can. Staying true to the words of a Duolingo victim and student of CHS, “F*ck that owl.”