SATIRE: Drugs? Homeroom? The discontinuation of Trader Joe’s Takis devastates CHS

From Takis to Hot Cheetos, the spicy chips hysteria heightens with Trader Joe’s Lime and Chili Flavored Corn Rolled Tortilla Chips. Nicknamed TJ’s Takis for looking and tasting suspiciously similar to the name brand and to replace an unnecessarily long name, these chips have become a hot commodity in the Trader Joe’s community, especially among Claremont High School students.

Over the past few months, these red-yellow bags appeared all over campus in students’ hands, peeking out of backpacks, and embellishing trash cans. Anyone who pulled out a bag was guaranteed moments of godhood as peers gathered around with flattering comments and outstretched hands. Sharing the joy has always been first and foremost at CHS and everyone would reach in for a round of spicy goodness, munching away and licking the dusty, red residue from their fingers.

It was all too good to be true: students were getting along and enjoying their lives – Trader Joe’s had outdone itself again with such glorious red sticks. However, this golden time came to an abrupt end when the chain store announced the discontinuation of their chili lime chips. As of late November, our beloved off-brand Takis have vanished from the shelves of our local Trader Joe’s, leaving fans flustered and CHS students more depressed than ever.

No more happy trips down Indian Hill after the bells of lunch or for after school hang-outs. Silent are the halls that once rang with laughter. Gone are the days of inflated egos and finger licking fun. Students who bonded over a bag now brush past each other without a backwards glance. Friendships crumble as students retreat into the recesses of their dark thoughts, no longer giving the fake but needed compliments.

2022 has already proven to be privation aplenty from the overturning of Roe v. Wade to the cancellation of Office Hours. And now, the chili lime thrill that once electrified woeful students and connected lonely peers will never again spread smiles across campus. To seek distraction and ease from the pain, many have turned to the closest thing of consolation: drugs.

CHS thus descends a dark age of substance abuse and truancy. Class attendance (or lack of) drops as students reclaim formerly ditched vapes and retreat into the 400s bathrooms. Fights break out among friends, and performance plunges in the classrooms.

The homeroom committee unanimously realized it was the perfect opportunity for redemption. It was time to rise above the mediocrity that students had come to recognize. Together they combined their organizational skills and their Google Slides creativity to devise a plan that is uniquely Homeroom: an unforgettable game of Kahoot for the spectacular Trader Joe’s corporation itself. One hundred fine-tuned questions to test the true intentions of this two-faced institution. The homeroom committee expresses complete confidence that by the end, Trader Joe’s will drop in surrender and give the go to resume the manufacturing of their chili lime chips.

We will never know the contents of that game, nor trust the competence of the homeroom committee. Maybe they will pull off a Hercules and go from zero to hero. Or disappoint us yet again. In the meantime, CHS students can only hope to be blessed with the presence of a Trader Joe’s Taki at least once more in their lifetime.