Just this past Sunday, President Donald Trump announced in a press conference that he would create a new cabinet position, the Minister of Knowledge. The goal of the position is to direct a special team of the Thought Police to defend against “unapproved thoughts” and prevent “thought crime.” The first Minister of Knowledge will be tech billionaire Peter Thiel. Trump, not unfamiliar with appointing the inexperienced and uber-wealthy to high-ranking positions, commented that the ministry will be useful for advancing his policy agenda. “People who think too much do not really like me,” Trump said.
Thiel, born into a German South African family, has genetic experience in controlling others. The chairman of Palantir, an AI surveillance company, has expanded in recent months. The Trump administration has struck lucrative deals with Palantir to incorporate its mass-surveillance software into its government agencies. Palantir technology is being used to aid ICE raids and surveillance, and Thiel is looking to make surveillance the aim of his government.
“President Trump called me and told me he had a problem,” Thiel said. “Trump said that there was too much critical thinking and societal awareness going on in America. As a rich person, I simply could not stand for it. So I thought, if I already watch everything that everyone sees online, why not take it to the real world?”
Theil has placed Thought Police in various locations across the country, targeting places of “intellectual conversation.” Thought crime rates have been spiking recently in places like college campuses, city centers, and restaurants at one in the morning. The Ministry building is a large gray concrete spire looming over D.C., with large eyeballs looking at everybody walking around.
The ministry has moved to ban a significant number of textbooks used in schools. Teachers lament that their copies of “The American Pageant” have been replaced with “PragerU Kids,” “Birth of a Nation,” and “Song of the South.” Reports at Claremont High School tell us that kids now believe that the South was fighting for “states’ rights.” States’ rights to do what exactly? We do not know. At this news, Peter Thiel, sitting on the hundredth floor of the doom spire, is cackling maniacally while thunder strikes in the background.
