SATIRE: An Explanation As Of Why Your Date Went Totally Horrible

“I lost a date with someone I really liked, what did I do wrong?” This might be one of the most common questions asked by all of the miserable people that have lost a date, been stood up, or have not been asked for a second date. You might be thinking that they were too good to be true, and turns out, you were right. To answer this question, an experiment was conducted in a small town in Ohio to finally figure out the reasons why one would lose a date.

25-year-old Brian Larsen was hired to conduct this investigative experiment. He was tasked with seeking out a woman to demonstrate common things that people do that may be a reason for their terribly lonely lives. Brian and the behind-the-scenes investigative team narrowed down the “ick” list—as one might call it—to three major icks: rude to the service, self-obsessive, and unmanageable jealousy.

First, to seek out this woman, he downloaded tinder. After 147 swipes left, he swiped right on the picture of a 4 ’11 blonde with mysterious blue orbs named Emma James [real name excluded for privacy purposes]. Hobbies included dining out, traveling, and hiking. Thinking that he had the most inconspicuous match, he texted her with one of the cheesiest pick-up lines he could find on the internet. First impressions were usually big in the dating game, and cheesy pick-up lines were not exactly great.

“I’m learning about important dates in history, and I wanna be one of them ;)),” Larsen said.

However, to everyone’s surprise, and his own, Emma was not as put off as you would expect. She unabashedly flirted back with even cheesier pick-up lines than the one Larsen had sent. You would think that it was a match made in Heaven had it not been an experiment. After a continuous thread of winky faces and emojis, Larsen had asked her on a date to one of the fanciest restaurants in Ohio, knowing her taste in expensive dine-outs. As he got ready for his date, he decided to have more fun with this experiment, wearing the most hideous outfit known to man. The tight jorts, casual vest, shutter shades, and five-toe shoes were sure to have Emma run the other way at the sight of him. However, their first encounter at the restaurant told a different story.

“Your outfit is amazing Brian, who knew you had a little fashion diva in you,” James said.

Brian didn’t know if he should take the compliment or run the other way because Emma James was undeterred. However, he moved to ick #1 of the experiment: being rude to the service. Larsen was sure to take his volume up two notches, or three, to make the waiter feel completely petrified while taking their order. But all the while Emma had an indecipherable look on her face. Was she put off with Brian? Will she still give him a chance? These questions were answered surely when Emma’s indecipherable expression hinted at a small grin.

Brian, also undeterred, moved on to ick #2 of the experiment: being self-obsessive. He continued to ramble on about the indoor gym he recently spent a quarter of a million on to install in his 2 million dollar villa (not true), and his new black BMW with a red interior that he spent another $100,000 on (also not true). Thinking that Emma will eventually cut their date short, he continued rambling for another 15 minutes, or maybe it was 20. However, Emma did not back down and kept in step with him during the relay of all the details of their conversation. Frustrated with his unsuccessful attempts at getting her to cut their date short, Brian finally decided to move to ick #3: jealousy.

Josh Chen, another actor that was hired for this experiment to play the other love interest, made his way toward Brian and Emma’s table. He strikes up a conversation with Emma giving Brian the perfect opportunity to lash out at both Chen and James as the jealous date.

“I think you’re at the wrong table talking to the wrong woman,” Larsen said.

“No, I think I’m right where I’m supposed to be with who I’m supposed to be with,” Chen said.

Chen was met with Brian Larsen’s right hook (which was not according to the plan), and a fight breaks out against both actors. Eventually, the investigative team for this experiment steps in to stop the chaos. With the truth of the experiment out, Brian surely thought that he would finally lose this date, and Emma would surely leave him. Wrong.

As the latest sources of the experiment team currently report; Brian and Emma are in a real and happy relationship. To commemorate their three-month anniversary, they both went back to the restaurant that held their first date wearing both shutter glasses and five-toe shoes. Perhaps this experiment demonstrated the ways someone can gain a date rather than lose one, but it definitely shows that there is someone for everyone. While many students at CHS may be single, those who acquire a date must not worry because in the end, all you need is to be you and maybe be just a little nice to your waiters.