Calling all unsatisfied Tesla customers! After CEO Elon Musk’s dramatic departure from the White House this past May, last week’s press conference with the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) confirmed his return to government service—but not in the way one might expect.
“After a summer of self-reflection, I realized that the only thing I love more than the American people is my money,” Musk said. “And after so many of my Cybertrucks got recalled for silly little mishaps like spontaneously exploding and blinding other drivers, it didn’t take a genius to realize that my stocks would crash faster than a Cybertruck on the freeway! Ha! Legalize comedy! Anyway, I’ve decided to turn this problem into my newest business venture. We’re offering a $50 gift card to the Tesla diner in Hollywood and a free tote bag to all owners of a recalled Cybertruck who can drive it all the way to the US-Mexico border so we can bury it underground!”
Musk did not elaborate or take any public comment after this, instead opting to waddle offstage while laughing loudly to himself. DHS Secretary Kristi Noem promptly took over to explain.
“As I’m sure we all know, this country is struggling to defend itself,” Noem said. “More and more illegal immigrants are hopping the US-Mexico border every day, and despite the efforts of our noble ICE officers, we’re powerless to stop them. The DHS has good reason to suspect these illegal immigrants are dabbling in magic and reciting ancient incantations like ‘where’s your badge’ and ‘you know you need a warrant’ to keep our patrols away. We realized that we need a new approach, one that didn’t even pretend to uphold that schmaltzy ‘due process’ stuff—so Elon reached out and suggested burying Cybertrucks just under the borderline. Like the genius entrepreneur that he is, Elon realized these explosion-prone Cybertrucks could just be used as giant landmines, and no illegal immigrant could ever be fast or smart enough to cross a huge Cybertruck minefield unscathed. That sounded reasonable enough to me, so I immediately approved the digging of a mile-wide trench spanning the entire length of the border and deep enough that only the roof of a Cybertruck would be visible from above the ground. If we all work together and fill that trench, no illegal immigrant will dare to enter this country ever again!”
In the public comment section following Noem’s remarks, she and Musk (who allegedly had been laughing to himself for 20 minutes straight during his absence from the press conference) assured the public that their plan was watertight. When asked about improvements to actual border surveillance, Noem noted that the Cybertrucks recalled for having extraordinarily bright headlights would be repurposed as spotlights for new border watchtowers instead of just being used as landmines. When Tesla-owning reporters questioned whether or not burying entire Cybertrucks instead of salvaging their parts and just using normal landmines might be a waste of money, Musk explained that even trying to salvage parts of what is essentially a huge landmine was a liability.
“Look, we already pay our assembly line workers minimum wage and time their bathroom breaks—there’s no reason to risk their lives and force them to dismantle a ticking Cybertruck time bomb because honestly, who else is going to put up with our company policies?” Musk said. “Besides, we’re finding new ways to use Cybertrucks every day. We recently found out that we can sync all of their Bluetooth speakers to my phone, and the only thing that will scare an illegal immigrant more than a giant minefield is my Spotify playlist! I’m joking, of course, legalize comedy!”
What happens next is unclear. Perhaps border communities will be uprooted by the minefield, perhaps the UN will have something to say on behalf of the internationally displaced trying to enter this country, perhaps Tesla’s stocks will finally go back up, but the only certainty is that America finally has a robust border security plan.
