SATIRE: Ok CHS, is it time to bring back bullying freshmen?

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. The author nor the Wolfpacket endorses bullying freshmen.

Despite the hype, cyberbullying is nowhere near as effective nor as pleasurable as real bullying. So while I could give last year’s students a pass since the year was online, I refuse to allow this period of unwarranted class solidarity to linger for any longer.

The class of 2025 is the all time best target for freshman hazing and it is honestly sickening that CHS students are letting that opportunity slip right through their fingers. The last full year these kids completed was in elementary school, and as someone who is forced to share the halls with these eternal sixth graders, it shows. I am genuinely not trying to bash the current freshman, as their overwhelming lack of maturity and copy and paste TikTok personalities is really not their own fault. The agonizing but necessary El Roble experience is designed to allow all that pre-teen angst and cringe out early. This allows students to spend their high school years receiving Snapchat memories from those days and are forced to lay awake at night and reflect on how much of an absolute embarrassment they used to be. However, the current freshman did not receive such luxury, and are only now beginning this infamous loser phase, which is tainting our beloved campus as a result. We must take matters into our own hands.

What these poor, troubled freshmen need is not kindness, camaraderie, patience, or any of that b*@!&*#t. They received enough of that by receiving a get out jail free card for middle school. What they need is to be humbled. And when I say humbled, I mean I want to see these feeble little quarantine snowflakes go home and post a TikTok sobbing everyday for the rest of the semester. Though it is quite the undertaking, if we work together, we can restore the sacred high school hierarchy. It is important to remember that this is not something to be guilty about, as this serves a much greater purpose. This is nothing like that weird story you have to read in freshman English where a village chooses someone at random to throw rocks at for no apparent reason, as bullying freshman is a tradition rooted in real value. After all, if it was really so bad, then it certainly would not be tradition, as all tradition is always good. However, the “it’s tradition” excuse will not be enough to escape consequences from the school administration if only one courageous upperclassman is doing it, which is why it is essential we all band together.

Remember, Rome was not built in a day, just as self-esteem cannot be destroyed in one Mario Kart themed rally. Let’s start small: the next time you see an extra puny freshman in the halls, perhaps try shoving them into the nearest trash can, or telling that oddly smart one in your pre-calc class that you hope they burnout before junior year. Report the group of Euphoria wannabes vaping in the bathroom to Stop It, and insist to the ones in ASB that joining Wolfpacket will make everyone think they are cool. Perhaps when the movement gains more power, we can look at more systemic approaches, such as a new and improved Link Crew, where the upperclassmen throw rocks at the little freshies (completely with reason, of course), or Valentine’s Day Grams where you can select one to throw a rock at (maybe that freshman English story was really onto something…). This will take time, but little by little, freshman inferiority will make its long awaited return.

Do not not think of this inspiring movement as bullying, but rather community service. This will build character for the freshmen, while allowing upperclassmen the honor of passing on the trauma they were once forced to endure. When one looks at it that way, it is clearly a win for everyone. As Harry Styles once said, “Treat people with kindness, but not high school freshmen.”