SATIRE: Playboi Carti for President


Image Courtesy of Areesh Zaidi and Abbygale Sanchez

Playboi Carti should be America’s top choice Republican candidate for the 2024 Presidential Election. Meeting all the necessary criteria, at least 27 years of age, a natural-born citizen, multiple baby mamas, and having lived in the United States for at least 14 years, Carti is the sole, perfect candidate.
Carti has already started to work on his campaign with his song “Vamp Anthem” which will be the new National Anthem once he is elected. With Carti as president, Republicans would be called VAMPS as they’d show a whole lotta red. Carti will boost the country’s morale by having R8s at every corner and Iggy Azalea would be the first woman. Carti is simply a perfect example of what a true leader should be. Moreover, guap in school lunches with Carti as president will lead to more positive learning environments nationally. Clown makeup would be included in stimulus packages. New York would be made into the capital of the United States so that everyone could Milly Rock and Magnolias would be the national flower.
Yung Carti has the interests of the people of this nation in his heart. Not only that, he is incredibly qualified for the position and has graduated Yale Law School alongside Ken Carson. He is an educated and esteemed member of global society, who will lead the VAMPS to success.
Carti is going to not only solve the many problems that Americans experience, but also help provide a sense of unity and togetherness in our nation by instituting a common language, called Cartinese, that all citizens would understand. To further this belief, a collective dress code will be implemented in the colors red and black. Clown makeup would be required before leaving one’s humble abode. Going forward, America would be changed into The United Vamps of Carti. Carti’s record label, Opium, would work alongside him in Congress to help to create a United States of America that is built on justice. Congressional members Ken Carson, Destroy Lonely, and Lil Uzi Vert would oversee public affairs and spending.
If we do not vote Carti for President in 2024, the repercussions will be detrimental. The United Vamps of Carti’s citizens will be locked in a dungeon by Biden and have to listen to Taylor Swift! Carti should have all of our votes. The people of our country and district have spoken, Carti is and will be the next presidential candidate in 2024. Do not vote for the opps. Vote Carti for President to create a better future for you and your child! Vote red!