SATIRE: This Year’s Turkey In Trouble

2022 has been full of chaos: freshmen are taller than seniors, mac-and-cheese flavored ice cream exists, and Trader Joe has devastated the entire student body of Claremont High by discontinuing their off-brand Takis. Amidst all the confusion, one inconvenience has united the country in unanimous complaining: inflation. Although it is admittedly difficult to tell a teacher that inflation ate your homework, inflation is a useful scapegoat for just about everything else— the economic recession is why President Biden’s hairline is receding, for instance. It seems as if nobody is safe from inflation, not even our President, who was recently seen “strolling across the White House lawns sporting an impressive beard and wearing full wizarding robes,” as he apparently lacks the funds for the signature presidential business suits. The only person who has rested easy this year, confident in his security, is not even a person. His name is Johnny Appleseed and he is the smuggest turkey on the planet.

Why so smug? Appleseed was chosen at the beginning of 2022 for the coveted title of White House Turkey, meaning that he is the only turkey in America whose future does not include the wrong side of a dinner plate. As White House Turkey, he will be granted a presidential pardon as part of a tradition started many, many “It’s a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” reruns ago. Assured in his chances of survival this Thanksgiving, Appleseed has been growing plump on turkey delicacies and strutting across his upstate turkey farm in Pennsylvania all year while his less fortunate peers prepare themselves for unavoidable death.

However, some recent and squawking news might pluck the feathers out of this turkey and take the stuffing out of his ego: the president announced just this morning that for the first time ever, the White House Turkey will not be pardoned. The reason? Inflation.

“The sad truth is,” the President said at a recent press conference, looking anything but sad and sporting a magnificent flowing beard and festive purple robes as he held Johnny Appleseed by the throat, “that inflation is everywhere, and it is unavoidable. We are all in the same boat– I even had to sell one of my fifteen private yachts, so now I am literally in the same boat as you– and like all you folks, I cannot afford two different turkeys.”

After a brief pause to eye the turkey hungrily, the President continued, “For this reason, I have made the delicious — I mean, tragic — decision to eat this turkey, Johnny Appleseed. Although breaking tradition is a difficult choice to make, nobody gives a cluck, so this entire speech is useless–”

President Biden then proceeded to fall off the stage, pick himself back up, and continue his monologue in the completely opposite direction, away from the stage. He spoke for at least three more minutes before he realized his mistake and turned around as if nothing had happened. Judging from the lack of reaction from the Secret Service and the carefully controlled facial expressions of the presidential Cabinet, this is far from a rare occurrence.

The terrified-looking Appleseed then let out a series of increasingly shrill squawks, which cannot be translated as they are unfit for publication. He bit the president and ran around in circles squawking like a headless chicken. The press conference ended soon after.

When interviewed, Appleseed’s turkey peers seemed unsurprised by the news.

One turkey solemnly commented with a series of clucks while his brother punctuated his words with a single but emphatic squawk.

Another turkey issued a series of strangely smug gobbles and clucks before strutting away with “swagger”.

When interviewed, the owner of the turkey farm seemed pleasantly surprised by the news.

“Appleseed was a man with few friends and many enemies, myself included,” Hugh Mann commented. “I am glad that his ego was plucked, literally nobody liked him.”

Unlike Biden’s receding hairline, which still has some life left, Johnny Appleseed is doomed to death via gobble. Some will say that his death is a touching commentary on the dangers of inflation, but most people do not care.