The trials of the “REAL” Athlete of the Month: Micah Endo (SATIRE)


Athlete of the year: a grandiose title only given to the worthy. This year, Micah Endo is one of the most promising candidates for this position. Not only does Endo participate in volleyball and cross country, but his performance in the CHS rallies has proven ABSOLUTELY phenomenal. He has won not only musical chairs, but he has twerked his butt off to get ping pong balls out of a tissue box, and also dominated the dance battle in the recent fall sports rally on September 16th. Although the senior team was picked as the winner for the dance battle, in our heart we all know Endo took the W.
Last December during the winter sports rally, Endo asserted his dominance during a game of musical chairs, which requires a high amount of skill, strategy, and athleticism. He easily swept through the first few rounds of the competition before facing his first obstacle in the semi final round of musical chairs. There were only two chairs left, but 3 contestants remained. This, however, posed no problem for Endo’s athletic prowess. Endo’s brain turned on maximum overdrive and swept the chair from under a contestant, securing his place in the final round of the competition.
This marked the start of Micah Endo’s rise to athletic greatness; the beginning of a new era. Everybody started to know Endo and his infamous tactics at the CHS rallies.
In the recent minions themed fall sports rally, Endo once again proved his superiority in the dance battle. As he strolled up to the stage, dripped out in his suit showing minion spirit, roaring cheers rose from the stands. The cheers rose across the field until it was the only thing that could be heard. He then stripped off his suit, revealing his secret weapon, his holy pink track shorts. The cheers became louder and as the music started he dished out a series of slippery smooth dance moves. Although he did not win the contest, it served as a monumental achievement in Endo’s athletic career.
You may wonder what goes on in the mind of this teenage genius? There must be something special about his brain.
“Walking up to the stage I knew I had to do something crazy, so I stripped in front of the masses,” Endo said. “After the performance half of the staff congratulated me for being such an inspiration to the students on campus.” He further states, “There are many very reputable athletes at our school, but I don’t think any of them compare to me.”
Endo does not only flex his athletic genius in the rallies, but he is also a monster on the volleyball courts and the cross country courses. Built like an absolute tank with biceps 5 feet high, he has to hold back his strength when spiking a volleyball in fear of it bursting. He also possesses a twenty foot vertical that trumps anyone on the volleyball courts. He runs so fast that he burns through the soles of his shoes and needs to replace them every week. That is also the reason he wears sandals at school. If not for his chronic allergic reactions to grass and mold, he would have brought the school’s volleyball and cross country teams to the top of national competition.
“Micah Endo’s performance proves his absolute dominance as an unstoppable force in class competitions, who strikes fear through the hearts of his competitors.” Carter Chan, an avid Endo enthusiast, said. “He truly is the epitome of athletic excellence who deserves to become a professional in any sport he chooses to conquer.”
Micah Endo, displaying his inhuman athletic capabilities and achievements is a strong candidate for this year’s REAL title of athlete of the year. You can be sure that almost nothing will pose a problem for athletic genius Micah Endo.