SATIRE: Mysterious Blue-Footed Boobies

Long lunch lines in the 90° heat of California and unreliable Minga ID cards have plagued Claremont High School. The school’s Verizon WiFi, which is so obviously laggy and insufferable, is just another obstacle in obtaining school lunch. Not to mention the 700 other students waiting in the same line to get lunch. Someone decided that action had to be taken.
On September 6th of 2022, a CHS student decided to do the unthinkable that marked the start of a legend. Unbenounced to everyone but him, the complimentary lunch system had become so trashy that Kevin Langdon (an alias to protect his real identity) decided to take matters into his own hands. He stole the free lunches offered by Claremont High School and started an infamous food-stealing cult.
Langdon rushed through the lunch line at the Student Center and hid within the masses of all the other students waiting patiently to receive their lunches. Suddenly he made his move, ready to restore CHS to its prior glory. He jumped through the window of the building, shocking the lunch ladies, and stole multiple chicken patty sandwiches. Chaos persisted within the lunch line, students screaming in cheer trying to mimic the action of the thief. Langdon managed to escape from the raging crowd of his own creation before school authorities could sniff the mastermind out. The real question was, why was this specific student stealing? Sources state that Langdon found it ridiculous to have to wait behind all the other students who so obviously did not deserve chicken patty sandwiches as he did. However, he still continued to wait in line for his favorite soggy buns and raw chicken. Although, when he made it to the front of the line, the lunch ladies had already run out of his favorite meal. This moment made him decide that he would never wait in line again.
The real identity of this student still remains a secret to the students of CHS. Many of you have seen him walking across campus like he owns the place. Many of you have seen him, yet choose to ignore his presence to maintain his mysterious personality. You may even be part of the majority that does not know who he is at all. Make no mistake, that is not a coincidence. He only blesses the students who he finds worthy with his presence such as the wonderful staff of the Wolfpacket.
Langdon’s enlightenment has made such a grand impact on the campus that he decided to start a cult. This cult’s presence is as ominous as him. The only predictable thing about this cult is the members within it. Most of the student body knows about the cult but chooses to ignore its legendary presence to maintain its mysterious effect. Multiple students from each grade meet up under the bleachers after school to confer new strategies to steal lunch. They wear masks inspired by the legendary bird, the blue-footed booby, as a symbol of justice and bravery to distract the lunch ladies and protect their identities whilst stealing food.
The school administration, perplexed by the thieving cult leader’s growing influence, has been issuing a campus-wide search for him. Currently, Langdon has been quiet, hiding in the shadows like all of his blue-footed booby mask cult members to protect his identity from the school. Until the day he can come out of the shadows again to steal his new favorite, chicken tamales, he continues to mentor his cult in thievery.