Hi my name is Julia. I am a 7th grader at El Roble and I consider myself somebody who can give very, very good advice. So I decided to create this column for your reading pleasure. You are welcome. This column is basically like “Ask Amy” from the LA Times but better, because I wrote it. Thank you. Thank you. I know. I am amazing. And now here is some advice for you readers.

Q: How do I get a Fortnite battle pass?
A: First of all, you are an eight-year-old boy. If you are in fact an eight-year-old, then nobody likes you and you should feel insanely insulted. Sorry but nobody will give you advice on how to get a Fortnite battle pass. You are welcome for your advice. 🙂

Q: How do I casually utterly and demolish my science teacher?
A: Please do not harm your science teacher, unless he is Mr. (he who must not be named) because nobody likes Mr. (he who must not be named). First off, grab some of those good old chemicals from that little science class of yours, then throw the chemicals in your science teacher’s general vicinity. Then frame your actions on the PE coaches because why not (no hate for the PE coaches).

Q: How do I get a woman?
A: We love women. Women are amazing. But if you are an ugly middle school boy, no woman (or anyone really) wants you, so you must carefully follow my instructions. Step one: approach a woman. Step two: you say hey bababy gorl and/or habba bubba (alternately awwooooga if you are feeling fancy) because all women love that. Trust me. I know my stuff. If that does not work, come back a week later with flowers in hand, and at 4:27 AM on the dot, climb through their window, and say “I love you. Please date me” to your target while they are still in bed. After that, you are probably going to get rejected. Then you cry at school because you have just been rejected. Fortunately for you, this is not the woman you really like. Then the woman of your dreams which you have been really thirsting over will come up to you and say “Please date me because I love you.”

Q: How do I meet Megamind?
A: So you want to meet Megamind, ay ladybuck? In order to accomplish this goal, you are first going to go to the McDonald’s on 12th St. It does not matter which 12th St. Then you are going to go to the basement of McDonald’s. Next, you must meet my emo mother, a medieval samurai, and you will ask her what time I, your humble advice giver, will die. Once you have asked this question of high importance, she will bring you to a big red button. You must then jump on the big red button. Jumping on the big red button will drop you and your poultry amigos into the abyss. In the abyss, you will see a Chick-fil-A. Do not go into the Chick-fil-A. The Chick-fil-A is a homophobic and your poultry amigos are with you. Instead, go to the Cat Maid Café right beside it (remember to leave your poultry amigos en la puerta). Tell one of the cats and/or maids, and/or both UwU and they will bring you to the master of the universe: the almighty Megamind. Goal achieved. You are welcome.

Q: I wanna be a stripper but my boyfriend wants me all to himself
A: Hi. So you want to be a stripper but your boyfriend will not let you. The first thing that I would recommend that you do is to go meet Megamind (following the instructions listed above) and ask him for advice because he is the almighty master of the universe. If that does not work out, I have a few suggestions. My first recommendation is to create a five year and/or ten year plan. Where do you see yourself in the future? With this mole rat?????? Or racking in the dough? If you need help creating a five or ten year plan, take my MasterClass or contact your local AVID organization they would love to help.
If you see yourself stripping in the future, please follow these next suggestions. You might really love or like or enjoy spending time with your boyfriend right now. But if this child is blocking your success dreams, dump him. Because you need to live, laugh, and love with who you wanna be and not care about your boyfriend because boys are stupid and ugly and I do not like boys, especially the middle school variety.

Q: I broke my leg and then accidentally jumped into the pool. What should I do?
A: Scream…That is all the advice you will need.

Q: My friend thinks that their elementary school is superior to mine. What should I do?
A: Is that person really your friend? Ask yourself this right now. Do you want this person to be in your circle of existence? Because if they think that their elementary school is superior to yours then you should eject their influence from your magical, glorious life and always remember that Sycamore is the superior elementary school. There. I said it. You’re welcome.