The year was 2015. An incredibly well dressed, poofy haired Condit fourth grader was desperate for the attention of one poor girl: Sequoia Clark. This peculiar man-child craved love and affection — he wanted Sequoia’s hand in marriage. One day at lunch, he mustered up the courage to talk to her and confess his feelings. He even got down on his knee.
A 6th grader at the time, Clark was not ready to settle down and had no interest in marriage, so she brutally rejected his offer. Some six years later, Clark is the editor-in-chief of the CHS newspaper, the Wolfpacket; and the poofy haired child whose wounds never healed is now a sophomore. He still holds a personal vendetta against Clark. This man is Sebastian Quadrini.
Right before the Wolfpacket staff entered their class, Sebastian Quadrini approached the congregation of students. In a later reflection of the events, Quadrini stated,
“I was walking around and I saw the biggest group of slimy monkeys; really nerdy and had roller backpacks — the type that would have their mother make them a school lunch and eat it without hesitation in front of everyone else and then spill it on their shirt and not even bother to clean it … unideal members of society,” Quadrini said. “And then I asked them who they were and they said they were Wolfpacket. I thought to myself, Jesus Christ they need orientation. … So I did one of my signature intimidation tactics and showed everyone my underwear.”
It was 3rd Period in Ms. Kusano’s class only a couple of days later. Sebastian jaunts up to desk #27 and delivers a hand made note to the student there. He asks the student to forward the letter to Sequoia. Only a couple of days later, this note was delivered to the intended recipient, and was immediately met with confusion. As it turns out, Sebastian had interest in purchasing the school newspaper for a grand total of four cents.
“I did not have more than ten cents at the time, and I wanted to seem like a cheapskate, so I only gave four of the five pennies that I had,”Quadrini said.
Quadrini has copious amounts of ideas of reform for the Wolfpacket if he were to be in charge, like re-naming the Wolfpacket to “Sebastian’s Journal.” One of his main ideas for a new column was a “good student and bad student of the month.”
“Good student and bad student of the month just to make people feel uncomfortable … ‘So and so ratted out his friends for smoking, he’s a good student … and for worse student the guy who was smoking in the first place … you need to be scandalous, you need to create an uproar … say something controversial,’”Quadrini said.
Quadrini also suggests the staff make drastic measures to how the Wolfpacket presents itself.
“ You guys need uniforms for sure, I don’t know why they decided to not employ uniforms.” Quadrini said. “Respectfully you only need one computer, respectfully you could sell the rest and hire a fashion designer to make you uniforms… envision Rick Owens meets new-age Matriarchy.”
After this question, any form of an “interview” evaporates, as Quadrini begins what can only be described as a 30 minute long rant.
“It’s like the monkey experiment where there’s a typewriter and you tell a monkey to type infinitely,” Quadrini said. “And they say after enough time eventually it will type out the whole entire bible because it’s completely randomized … except they don’t wait until the bible’s typed they just give you what a monkey would write which is a bunch of $#!t smeared on the typewriter … and then you kill 3,000 trees which belong to orangutans and then you have the audacity to write ‘Wolfpacket’ on it, a stupid f*@!ing name … if you’re going to steal the home of a bunch of endangered creatures in say Indonesia, then you might as well put something good on that paper for Christ sake.”
Although four cents is a hard price to say no to, the Wolfpacket has declined Sebastian Quadrini’s offer indefinitely, postponing any hopes of his magnum-opus. So there you have it readers, do you think the Wolfpacket should accept his generous offer, or is this a simply sad reach for clout?