The Wolfpacket

SATIRE: Zero period zombie apocalypse

Zarish Zaidi, Reporter • May 2, 2025

An unsettling crisis is sweeping through Claremont High School, as students enrolled in zero period classes are reportedly transforming into full-blown zombies. The cause seems to be extreme and consistent...

SATIRE: Surrounded by school spirit

Brooklyn Roston, Reporter • May 2, 2025

Dear Claremont Unified School Board, Claremont High School has officially been practicing our new strategy to establish school spirit for two weeks now. In the most recent conference, the administration...

SATIRE: Italian brainrot: from carnage to cuddles

Tavish Brodie, Reporter • May 2, 2025

Welcome back to Channel 57 News, here today to talk about the devastation that has been taking place around the world. It has been only one week since the last major attacks happened–where Gorillardo...

From Awkward pauses to award winning cinema

Makayla Aguilera, Reporter • April 4, 2025

From having daily eight-minute videos that are forced to be played in class to, believe it or not, becoming a global sensation—CHS’ very own Wolfcast recently came home with an Oscar after receiving...

SATIRE: April Fools Gone Wrong

Annabelle Brusky, Reporter • April 4, 2025

“At first I was skeptical about joining ‘Senior-Underclassmen Saviors’ or ‘SUS’,” the freshman said. “It was a bit suspicious. And so I declined their invitation, and now they’re after me. They took my cat–my Mittens! This has gone too far, I say, too far! I miss the days when my biggest worries were about Freshman Biology and the MYP mandate...not whether some psychotic prank cult would steal my cat!”

SATIRE: The rise of the aura order

Jiseo Park, Reporter • April 4, 2025

After careful consideration, CHS has implemented an aura point system. The entirety of CUSD and most of California uses this system, so it was a surprise when Claremont High School did not agree at first....

SATIRE: An AI Government

Tavish Brodie, Reporter • March 7, 2025

If you were to look closely at the last press release President Donald J. Trump gave, you might find a suspicious line at the end: ‘If you have any other questions, feel free to ask!’ Wait wait wait…...

[SATIRE] Recess Implementation At CHS

Julia Little, Reporter • March 7, 2025

Due to the lack of social interactions between students during passing periods, lunch, and mounting reports of overwhelming student stress, the Claremont Unified School District Board, in its infinite...

SATIRE: The St. Patrick’s Day massacre

Zarish Zaidi, Reporter • March 7, 2025

Rain pours down on a gloomy Monday morning, and all students have to shield themselves is a little umbrella and a hoodie. They walk into class completely soaked, uncomfortable from their drenched clothes....

SATIRE: I have a crush on the future U.S. President (C.R.A.P. exclusive!)

Lyle Llewellyn Mideiros, Editor-in-Chief of Claremont’s Really Academic Paper (C.R.A.P.) • February 14, 2025

First and foremost, I would like to say that this is a historical step forward for our two publications, the opportunity to have our stories right next to Claremont’s younger newspaper outlet is an amazing...

SATIRE: ChatGPT, The AI relationship you have been waiting for

Makayla Aguilera, Reporter • February 14, 2025

Are you sick of receiving chocolates from just your mom every Valentine’s Day? Or are you tired of Valentine’s plans consisting of crying into a pint of overpriced ice cream, while swiping left to...

SATIRE: Boyfriend for hire

Annabelle Brusky, Reporter • February 14, 2025

It’s February 14, and YOU are lonely. Lucky for you, for the low price of $99.99/hour, you can order an express delivery, exclusive offer, hot-to-go, one-day only, Valentine’s Day boyfriend! About...

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