Really good advice from a 7th grader

How can I best destroy a tenth grader in an argument?
The answer to this question depends on who you are facing off. If they are not a debate kid, use big word. Big word scare puny brain. If you use enough debate jargon, that will discombobulate your adversary, words such as viscus, gavel, utilitarianism, affirmation, antidisestablishmentarianism, negation, essentially, foundational, severity, magnitude, objectively, subjectively, petrichor, and deliberation (these are big words for Elmo) you will harangue your opponent until they forfeit. If they are a debate kid, good luck. They are basically a stupid god. However, debate kids do possess an achilles heel: adversaries without integrity. Sheer stupidity backed by unbridled persistence. These kids have learned their craft without having faced a real challenge. Their debates are monitored and they have to abide by the rules, but you… do not. Alternatively, call them a Sigma male. Then they will fall down at your alpha male feet and beg for your forgiveness.

My mother’s gone emo!
It’s probably a phase. Tell her that it’s just a phase.

How to get through The Bee movie without sobbing?
It is literally impossible. The possibility of that happening it’s like 0.0000000000000000000…% Like I’ve watched it billions of times and there has not been a single time when I have not cried. It is literally so sad. If you think you have a chance of doing this, give up now.

I am depressed. What should I do?
Bee more happy, unless you are watching The Bee movie.

My 69 year old dad just said Ur Mom, should I be concerned for his mental health? *read dramatically
No. He is 69. He can make as many “your mom” jokes as he wants, but as soon as he turns 70 then you should start to worry. If he is still making your mom jokes after his 70th birthday, then you should be scared for your life. And I mean it! Put him in an old folks home or even a mental institution.

I have an absolutely totally terrible sleep schedule. What do I do?
Maybe you should like, sleep or something. Sleeping is actually really good for you. Honestly just listening to a story or something just like, try it, it is kind of nice.

How does one become immortal?
Use the Sorcerer’s Stone my guy. Ooooor ask Megamind. The Almighty wonderful Megamind. See April Fools issue for instructions.

My teacher is boring. What should I do?
Tell them to stop being boring. Because being boring is not hip, kool and with the vibe. And/or casually destroy them, see last issue for details.

My sibling will not stop saying “ur mom” and I do not think it is a phase anymore.
Well personally I think ur mom😏😏😏😏😏.

I have already completed the crying step in your “how to get a woman” advice. How long do I have to wait for my true love’s confession?
You have to wait about three to five business years. If those business years have already passed, wait a few more decades. She might come around.

How do I get in contact with the love of my life, the object of my affection, the only man for me… the grammarly guy?

SIMP SIMP ALERT!!! Please help whoever wrote this now they are in severe danger. If you sent this in, get help. If you simp for this man tho I will put in a good word for you😏.

How do I avoid death before senior year?
Well, since I am a 7th grader and I know everything, I can help with that. First off, you are gonna have to start by wearing a helmet. Preferably one of those helmets for baby heads, because those things keep you secure. Then you are gonna have to travel down to the deep depths of Nebraska to find Elmo. Elmo does not like big words, so you are gonna kind of use smaller words with him. You will ask him, “why aren’t I already dead?” Elmo is gonna tell you why and you will continue doing what’s been keeping you alive, but with more sassy wassy assy pazazz. Note: Remember to worship Dr. Oc and Megamind on a regular basis, or Dr. Oc WILL take down the students center and give it to Megamind.

I destroyed my you know who science teacher. Where do I go from here?
You did it. You finally did it! No! You should not have told me this, because now your FBI agent is going to track you down. You cannot be found! Because they might trace you back to me! So I am gonna give you this advice about how to not be found. First off, you are going to go back to Megamind (to find Megamind see last issue). You are gonna ask him “why does Carrie eat cheese?” and then you must, ABSOLUTELY MUST, run for your life. That is gonna trick your FBI agent, (that is a good thing). Now, you are required to travel to an alternate universe where you are canonically dead. In this new universe you will continue your life under a new alias. But if your FBI agent happens to find you there, you should proceed to relocate Megamind, who you will then hide behind. This action will turn you into Megamind’s devoted servant, and FINALLY you will be reunited with your poultry amigos!

Do fish go blub blub or glub glub? Please, I need to know. My life is hanging in the balance.
The better question to ask is: “what does the fox say?”, but I will answer both because I am a nice person. Foremost, I think fish go: “your mom is hot” ‘, because ultimately your mom is really hot, and fish agree with that statement. Therefore they go: “your mom is hot”. On to the other thing, “what does the fox say?” I do not know, but I will help you find out. To start off, Elmo visits a zoo with a fox with whom he is well acquainted. So go to Elmo and “deviously lick” Elmo’s fox amigo. Elmo will be mad (because “devious lick” is a big word for Elmo) despite that, you will ask Elmo’s fox confidant, a question, preferably “has Elmo met megamind?” Elmo’s fox bestie, might say something. They might not say anything. Alas you, my friend, need to find out “what does the fox say?” so any non-response will be unhelpful to you. In a last ditch attempt to resolve this quandary, click this link, or ask Google your question and play the first video that pops up. Said video will answer both of these questions.