Striking out on Sportin’ Sadies (Satire)


Sadies is coming in full force this year on the 26th of September. Wow, the first Claremont High School dance open to all grades in 17 months, as we’ve all struggled through a pandemic full of loss, fear, and uncertainty. I’m sure ASB knows just the thing to cheer us up! I always look forward to ASB’s creative genius when it comes to planning events, so you can imagine my shock and jubilation when I heard that Sadies is sports-themed this year! Sports is surely a theme that every student can enjoy and relate to. ASB really never disappoints.

Now, let’s dive into some of the endless creative decisions that ASB can venture into for this dance. A creative way to save money after spending it all on the endless money-pit that is the Brett O’Connor Student Center, is to simply keep up the fall sports rally posters and decorations. I’m sure it’ll look the same and no one will be able to tell the difference. ASB puts a lot of effort and hard work into each poster and decoration that they painstakingly make, so why should this be any different? Say what you will about ASB, but they sure know how to cut corners and do as little work as possible!

Now onto attendee attire for such a grand event, school dances are an opportunity to show one’s elegance and delve into their wardrobe, whether that be through pretty dresses, fancy suits, or fun clothing. So, it’ll be very interesting to see how students get all dolled up. Unlike other themes, Sports is so broad and expansive. Students can choose to dress up as their favorite racist pro-baseball player, or even their favorite pro-football player that has 22 sexual assault allegations.

I’m sure ASB will generate much revenue sale-wise as students can expect to wear fine clothing like a Boston Celtics basketball jersey or if they’re up to it, they can buy an unreasonably priced jersey for a player that’s going to get traded or waived in the next couple weeks. Honestly, I’d be happy if a student shows up dressed as a baseball. Look at the creativity that ASB promotes! This dance is interesting because instead of the students having an enjoyable, streamlined event where choosing clothing items is fun and putting an outfit together is exciting, students are hard-pressed to find sporty enough clothing which will inevitably have a kid show up in an orange shirt with black stripes and claim they’re a basketball. “I personally support and love ASB, I genuinely think the basketball idea is a slam dunk,” said LeBron James. The critique can be made that this theme is lazy or uninspired but what was ASB supposed to do? It’s not like they’ve had countless months to plan this out.

Lightning does seem to strike twice though as this isn’t ASB’s first time coming up with a genius concept. Back in 2017 ASB rolled out a sports-themed Sadies. According to my source who attended the formal event, Shmeila Shmano, “It sucked, it was the worst thing ASB has done” she said. When I asked about her attire, she said “I wore an Oregon basketball t-shirt twice my size and a black skirt.”

Overall, many students hate and critique ASB for their creative decisions, however the truth of the matter is that ASB has always had great ideas. For example, remember their first idea for the 2019 homecoming theme (before being changed)? Continents! It sure was a great idea to have freshmen cover the vast continent of Africa and all its diverse cultures. Surely no racism or cultural appropriation could’ve come out of making seniors the continent of Asia. As you can see, the current attendees of the Sportin’ Sadies have nothing to worry about!