CHS needs to “wolf-back” off the wolf puns

In recent years, it has become increasingly evident that CHS has gone loco for lobos. Wolfden, Wolfcast, Pack P.R.I.D.E., cohorts “Wolf” and “Pack.” One after the other, the hits just don’t stop coming. Listen, I’m as big a fan of wolves as the next guy, but CHS’ tendency to name virtually everything at this school after some aspect of wolf culture is simply too much. Many of the names run completely counter to the things that they are meant to represent, and by doing so, they denigrate the status of the mighty wolf they are meant to uphold. CHS students have had enough; it is high time that we made a stand against CHS’ wolf infatuation.

While all of this may seem a touch ironic coming from someone who writes for a publication called the Wolfpacket, allow me to explain myself. In some instances, promoting a shared identity on campus through the use of the school’s mascot is a great idea. In fact, the “wolfpack” itself reflects the importance of the individual and the collective at the same time to a degree unmatched by any other mascot that comes to mind. For new students who are struggling to adapt to the CHS environment, school spirit (when used appropriately) can be a powerful tool for inclusion. But what exactly do I mean by appropriately?

There have been some legitimately witty wolf puns made by the administration throughout the years, the Wolfpacket and Wolfgang foremost among them. In this scenario, the use of the “wolfpack” label makes sense; it is reflective of both the newspaper and the audience it seeks to reach. Similarly, Wolfgang ties itself back to CHS through the wolf in its title, and when taken as a whole, emphasizes its connection to music by referencing Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. However, the power of a good pun becomes diluted when it gets lost in a cacophony of inferior puns. Think back to a time when somebody you know made a really eggcellent egg pun. Nine times out of ten, chances are somebody made a follow-up egg pun that ruined the moment and the power of the first pun, making a situation that was otherwise funny somewhat cringe-worthy. The same applies for CHS. Just because the Wolfpacket and the Wolfgang work as a punny title shouldn’t be a green light for the administration to go “paws-to-the-wall” making everything wolf-related. While other recent additions to the wolf pun family have been only somewhat questionable (Wolfcast, like, what do wolves have to do with broadcasting?), the two introduced most recently have clearly been the most eggregious.

Let’s start off with Wolfden. It seems innocuous enough at first glance, but upon closer inspection, it becomes clear that it just wasn’t thought through whatsoever. Why is this the case? Well, let me give it to you straight: wolves are meant to sleep in dens, but Wolfden deprives students of a full night’s rest by starting at 9:10 AM. According to UCLA Health, teenagers’ internal body clocks, otherwise known as their circadian rhythms, dictate when students feel tired and how much sleep they need. Teenagers typically begin to feel tired towards 10:00 or 11:00 PM, and need approximately 9 hours of sleep in order to stay healthy. Therefore, if a student wishes to make amends to their circadian rhythms being thrown out of whack by the rest of the school week and wake up at a reasonable hour (say, 9:00), then they would only have 10 minutes to get ready for Wolfden. This is, quite frankly, a slap in the face to students. If Wolfden really wanted to live up to its punny name and its promise to better students’ wellbeing, then it ought to be moved to a time later in the morning.
When I think of a pack of wolves, I imagine them all together, you know, in a pack. However, CHS has decided to divide the wolf from the pack and the pack from the wolf with its decision to name hybrid learning Cohorts A and B “wolf” and “pack,” respectively. I don’t have anything witty to say here beyond what I mentioned in this paragraph’s topic sentence. Quite frankly, I’m at a loss. Cohorts A and B were perfectly serviceable names. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

Well, I think that I’ve packed this article close to bursting with wolf-related commentary, so I’ll leave things off here. This is a satire piece, but as is so often the case, there is a hint of seriousness buried within. I don’t necessarily mean to play paw patrol here, but I hope that this article helps to better CHS’ image and policy, one horrendous wolf pun at a time.