Earlier this week, Claremont High School unveiled its newest, CIF Official, sports team: Marble Sports. “What the actual f***,” said the chess club. Many students have voiced similar concerns, but alas, marble sports are the future. Not Mars. Not anything else. Marble sports.
Students have the right to be skeptical. Marbles going down a track doesn’t seem like a sport, but it does make big bucks these days. In the first match in the Professional Marble Sports League (PMSL), the league made 327,072.83 USD. I felt compelled to put USD because it looks almost as official as our Marble Sports Team. A team consists of 8 marbles. Ours are: Wolf, Wolfy, Girl Wolf, Wolfer, Wolfie (Not to be confused with Wolfy), Donut, Ted, and a name that is to be voted on by the followers of the Official CHS Marble Sports Instagram. The marbles were named by the Mountainview 2nd Graders. The team will compete in events similar to those of cross country and track, the only difference being people will actually watch the races.
I was allowed a sneak peek at a match between Claremont and Bonita, and it was possibly the best performance of a Claremont sports team in living memory. Wolfy, Wolfie and Wolf put up an outstanding 1-2-3 sweep of the 10-meter dash, giving all the points to Claremont. Bonita would never have a chance after that, only placing athletes 2nd in the high jump and 3rd in both the long jump and 2-man block push. The star of the night was Ted, placing first in the 10-meter hurdles, long jump, and high jump. Other events included the triathlon, cricket, and rugby.
I was also invited to a special Zoom meeting with the boosters afterward, where I could ask “any questions I wanted.” I asked what their favorite types of cookies were: chocolate chip, chocolate chip, ‘anything gluten-free,’ snickerdoodle, and chocolate chip.Then I left the Zoom meeting, because, well… Who would want to be in a zoom meeting?
I did reach out to the captain, whose name is to be voted on by the followers of the Official CHS Marble Sports Instagram, and he explained, “At first this was just to get the varsity letter, but now I appreciate the sport. [I] figured I could make it cause I’m one of 8 marbles attending CHS and a team needs 8 members so ya know.” I asked Ted what his favorite color is, but he dismissed me and told me something much more important, “I’m trying to get a full ride, UCLA has an amazing training facility, so that would be great.” I also went to the football coach’s office, but he simply grabbed a pillow from his filing cabinet and screamed into it. It was almost as if he screams into pillows often. He was a pro. If our football team became a pillow screaming team, we would ball out. The bobsledding club has been petitioning to be a CIF sport since its founding, “Bobsled over Zoom is hard, and this news just makes my life miserable!” sobbed one member. The other one didn’t comment.
I for one will be thrilled to watch the CHS Marble Sports team take the pitch by storm. I wish them the best of luck, and I hope our school can make money from this and give it to literally any real sport.