BREAKING NEWS: A national armor shortage has revealed itself—U.S. soldiers are not wearing protection—and the deficit continues to grow as the United States enters more conflicts.
There are simply too many eggs in too many baskets for the Department of War to supply sufficient sets of armor for each engagement. Luckily, while the Army Delta Force was rifling through the savannas of Venezuela for Nicholas Maduro, they stumbled upon a groundbreaking sight. American troops discovered a roll of armadillo in their path. Fascinated by these unique creatures and the beauty they brought to the Earth, which they trod, the men had no choice but to shoot them. Army Delta Force General George E. Vil reported what happened, which could be the answer to the current armor crisis. “That there armerdiller were a real trickster, y’see,” Vil said. “When my best bud Pongo shot it, the bullet bounced right back and hit ‘em in the face! Rest in peace, Pongo.”
However, Pongadillo (Pongo) D’Gunner’s death was not in vain. As the D’Gunners grapple with this great loss, it is important to note that he helped make a breakthrough. A recent test involving using armadillo scutes as armor plates has yielded incredible results. Armadillo scutes are now scientifically proven to ricochet bullets 100% of the time, 63% of the time. To that end, the Department of War has announced the new official U.S. Military uniform: Armor-Dillo. A bulletproof, ricochet-geared set of armor that is entirely composed of armadillo scutes from head to toe. Secretary of War Peter Headgiveth explained how this new addition to the U.S. arsenal will be implemented. “Soldiers currently deployed or drafted for the Iranian war are going to be the guinea pigs for this project,” Headgiveth said. “Because, well, they aren’t in much danger anyway. Plus, they will never see it coming. I’ve never met an Iranian who knew an armadillo.”
Current results seem promising, as there have been zero opposing fire-related casualties in the United States military since implementing the new armor. It is still empirically undetermined whether the increase in bullet wounds among Iranian soldiers is correlated with the introduction of Armor-Dillo. However, the Secretary of War has assured the public that the change should be attributed to the armor and not the fact that there were no previously deployed troops. Headgiveth was also adamant that the increase in non-opposing fire casualties in the military is not a result of flying, ricocheting bullets, but rather butter fingers.
The long-term shift from the invention of Armor-Dillo remains to be seen. As the conflict in Iran unfolds, the armor deficit decreases, and American soldiers can finally wear protection. The world can only hope that the supply of Venezuelan armadillo lasts forever, but some conservationists are now concerned that they will go extinct—a devastating loss to the ecosystems in which they are a keystone species—but the U.S. government continues to deny dwindling numbers.
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In tribute to Pongadillo D’Gunner, who made this all possible, may he rest in peace.
