SATIRE: Guilty Accomplice Rats Out The Rat Rascal

In early March, the Wolfpacket received secret intel from a trusted informant that the beloved Dr. Brett O’Connor Student Center had a rodent infestation. Because the information came from a rat within the administration, we decided to put one of our top reporters, Isabelle Shie, on the story. Her report is front-page news.
When I learned of the rodent breach, I took a detour to observe the Student Center in what would come to be its last month of glory. As I stared up at the unnecessarily large silver lettering, I couldn’t help but shake the feeling that there was foul play at work. How could such a young, built, and alluring establishment have been infested with rats so soon? I smelled something ratty. At first I thought that the smell was emanating from the Student Center itself, but then I realized it wasn’t a smell at all… It was my gut instinct telling me to investigate.
My first clue came when my friend Liza Platonov asked me to come with her to pick up her iPad from a classroom. When I asked what class she left it in, I received a strange response. She claimed to have left it in the “Liza Platonov Hottie Center.” I ended up just following her to classroom 302, confused as to where she came up with that name. But I blew it off as one of her usual self-absorbed jokes.
I didn’t think much more of the incident, until Platonov and I were at Petco to pick up some squirrel treats. We were paying for the fresh nut assortment when the lady at the cash register recognized Platonov and asked her if she wanted more rats to feed her pet snake. Platonov simply giggled awkwardly and power-walked out of the Petco. When we got to the car, I asked her about the encounter.
“OMG, Meghan, the rats are obviously for the school,” Platonov said. “Mr. Tucker trusts only ME to feed his snakes during science class!”
But I knew Platonov had dropped out of AP Bio a week into the school year. I don’t know if it was the assorted almonds and walnuts in the car, but I felt like I was about to crack the case wide open. The rats may have been for the school, but I had a hunch they weren’t for Mr. Tucker’s class.
Lo and behold, as soon as I got home I received a panicked call from our mutual friend, Homecoming Royalty Ella Kuriyama, telling me that we needed to talk. She told me she had seen a crane with a wrecking ball driving into campus, and wanted to confess before it was too late.
“I need your help, we have to stop this madness!” Kuriyama said.
She explained how it started. A few weeks ago Platonov had approached her with a business proposal. Platonov said that if Kuriyama would help her rename the Student Center “The Liza Platonov Hottie Center,” she would paint a giant mural of Kuriyama under the word “Hottie.”
“I felt like it was worth it for the mural,” Kuriyama said. “I mean, imagine how much hotter that wall will be with me on it.”
Their original plan involved only one night of illegal activity. They would sneak onto campus in the dead of night, coat the “Brett O’Connor” letters with peanut butter, and release a rat onto the letters.
“My job was just to hold Liza up to the letters—you know I’m really tall,” Kuriyama said. “Liza assured me the rat would eat through the letters by morning. But it turns out rats can’t chew through metal, which she might have known had she stayed in AP Bio.”
The plan seemed foolproof. But the girls made one fatal mistake. They had unknowingly bought a pregnant rat. The expectant mother had simply licked up the peanut butter, found a warm corner of the Student Center, and quickly given birth to 20 bouncing babies.
“When her plan failed, Liza completely lost it, and now she’s capable of anything,” Kuriyama said. “She kept going back every night to try again with more and more pregnant rats… I tried to stop her. I didn’t want any of this! I love the Student Center. All I wanted was a beautiful hot mural. Is that too much to ask?”
I soon learned that Kuryiama was right: Platonov was capable of anything. After hearing the news about the demolition, she submitted blueprints to the City Council for a replacement center named “The Plato-Night.” Her parents came to speak at her City Council presentation.
“We’re so proud,” her mother said. “We always dreamed our daughter would run a nightclub one day!”
Platonov’s parents’ dream may soon come true, as the Plato-Night is set to open on June 1st. The school booked Miley Cyrus (featuring Wolfgang) to be the opening headliner. There is no word yet as to whether anyone will paint a mural of Kuriyama, or if Platonov will face consequences for her actions.