SATIRE: Wolfcast Hosts Never to Say “Bye Pack” Again


Beloved Wolfcast hosts Mercer Weis and Viraj Urkudey are dedicating the rest of their lives to remaining Wolfcast hosts…on free will of course… Image courtesy of Joseph R. Biden

Mercer Weis will not go to Stanford! And yes, you read that right. You are probably very confused right now, because unless you live under a rock, you have probably heard that CHS’ beloved Wolfcast host Mercer Weis was accepted to Stanford University this fall. As for the other famous Wolfcast host as well as Homecoming King, Viraj Urkudey, we can assume that he has acceptance letters coming in from top tier schools across the nation.

With both seniors departing, speculation grows on who will become next year’s Wolfcast hosts — but one thing is clear to CHS: nobody can live up to the greatness of the Mercer-Viraj Wolfcast duo. However, students need not worry anymore because last week both Weis and Urkudey made a vital decision to turn down the mere idea of even attending college. The host standard is so unreachable, that the current hosts will reject the idea of college just to remain hosts for the rest of their life… on their own “free will” of course.

“I honestly think ditching Stanford to remain Wolfcast host is the best decision I’ve ever made in my whole life,” Weis said. “I don’t think getting a bachelor’s degree is important when you compare it to staying here for Wolfcast.”

The pair made this decision on their own volition. In fact, when asked about why they wanted to remain Wolfcast hosts for the rest of their life, their answer was clear, at least from Viraj.
“I’m not scared at all for my safety if I were to say I didn’t want to be Wolfcast host,” Urkudey said. “I feel like this is just the best opportunity I’ve ever had in my whole entire life.”
For some reason, Urkudey was nervously swaying back and forth when answering. However, as soon as he was alerted that high-ranking CUSD officials were watching him, his loyalty was once again proven.

“Wolfcast is my life, my love, and my number one priority,” Urkudey said.

Both Weis and Urkudey are overjoyed to dedicate the rest of their lives to remain the Wolfcast hosts.

“I have no future plans beyond Wolfcast,” Weis said. “I think we’re only going to be Wolfcast hosts for the rest of our lives, until the day we die. I think even after we die, in heaven or beyond, we’re gonna keep hosting.”

“There’s no going back, it’s Wolfcast or nothing! ” Urkudey said, while keeping his head down and not meeting my eyes.

For some reason, I got the impression that these answers were fabricated and not as authentic as they could be. My reporter intuition told me that Mercer and Viraj were hiding something. So at the end of the interview, I asked them to blink twice if their decision to deny college and career opportunities for Wolfcast were influenced by threats and intimidation by higher forces at CHS. In order to protect their safety and free speech, I promised them their answer would not go in this article. However, I am a reporter with no moral integrity who writes the truth and only the truth. So I will tell you this: as soon as I asked the question it seemed as if an invisible dust storm appeared and their eyes immediately began to twitch.

Unfortunately, Weis and Urkudey have not been seen since my article was sent to administration for review. What a coincidence.