SATIRE: Dr. Brett O’Connor student center bound to be demolished

There really is only one young, built, and alluring establishment on the CHS campus that the students all know and love. The Dr. Brett O’Connor Student Center stands proudly in the middle of the school, a welcomed reminder of what our principal’s name is. However, as loved as it may be, the Student Center’s days are numbered. “Numbered? What does that mean?” one may ask. This type of news is not easy to break, but the Wolfpacket takes the moral stance of reporting the truth and only the truth. So to answer the question: it means it is getting destroyed. With a wrecking ball. Today.
The demolition of the Dr. Brett O’Connor Student Center has been planned for weeks. Let’s just say those who take a class in the 300’s classrooms, that musty smell you pick up during a math test is not just the person sitting next to you.
The cause of the mysterious odor was very difficult to locate at first. A staff member reported having bits of their lesson plan binder chewed up on February 17th, but the report was dismissed — reason being that Doc Oc may have gotten a little hungry before he was on his way to the second floor.
“I figured there was something wrong, but also I was used to Brett and even some of my students nibbling the post-its and whiteboards in the classroom,” a staff member said. “The binder was a new one, but you can’t blame them for getting hungry I guess.”
On March 3rd, there was a second report. During second period there was a noticeable amount of squeaking coming from indiscernible areas. Mysterious incidents such as these continued on for days. Many staff members sent in complaints to the head office. The administrators took action and hired exterminators to locate the problem. After a careful evaluation, the exterminators declared the cause of the issue: an unstoppable rat infestation.
Due to the amount of time the problem went unaddressed, the situation only worsened. According to the report the exterminators made on March 12th, the foundation in the Dr. Brett O’Connor Student Center has deteriorated and the ventilation is not up to standards required by the SAPPY, the School Air Protection Program for Youth. It was declared as unsafe for students and teachers to remain in the building. The origin of these rats are still under investigation. Following these declarations, plans were put forth to demolish the Student Center. Today, two months after the rats first infested, is the scheduled date for demolition. At 4pm, April 1st 2022, the Dr. Brett O’Connor Student Center will come down along with the shining metallic letters that name the center. Mr. Oberbeck, a math teacher in the Student Center, shared his thoughts on the demolition.
“I feel it is a bit of an inconvenience to the campus environment.” Oberbeck said. “But, I feel that it needs to be done because it would be harder to repair versus replace.”
The demolition will be a symbolic moment, all fifty feet of glass and concrete will be knocked down with a wrecking ball. In fact, for those who find it hard to let go of the Student Center, none other than Miley Cyrus herself has been invited to sing during the destruction. The owner of the company in charge of the demolition spoke about the upcoming events.
“It’s a shame such a young, built, and alluring establishment is seeing its end so soon,” the owner said. “What am I even saying? I don’t really care about your school, I just came to see Miley Cyrus! I also love to swing the ball around. The wrecking ball, I mean.”
In replacement of the Dr. Brett O’Connor Student Center, blueprints have been created to build a nightclub. Funds at CHS have been slipping and the club is an investment that the board has decided to make in order to regain what has been lost. The nightclub will be open to all ages and will feature live music every Friday. Classes will be held in the nightclub and extra barstools as well as refreshments will be provided for students. Mr. Oberbeck shares his thoughts on teaching in this new environment.
“I feel like there are some very obvious distractions based on the surrounding scenery.” Oberbeck said. “But, most of the time people would be able to focus and the math would get taught.”
Doing trigonometry while in the club is definitely going to be a new and compelling experience for students. But some teachers can not wait to take advantage of the new refreshments in math and science “experiments”.
The demolition of this monumental building will be difficult for students and teachers, but no one will take it worse than Doc Oc himself. It is rumored that he was spotted outside of a Walmart a couple days ago, sitting on the asphalt whilst eating a tub of mint chip ice cream and blasting “When I Was Your Man” by Bruno Mars.
“The Student Center was my life, my love, my passion.” O’Connor said. “Without it I am nothing. NOTHING! I feel like I’ve lost a part of my identity. My name if you will.”
CHS principal Dr. Brett O’ Connor has fallen down a spiral of despair and staff members in the head office are worried about his job status. Credible sources say that Doc Oc was preparing his letter of resignation. At least when he is feeling down in the dumps, there will be a new and shiny nightclub waiting for his presence.