The Yamane Report

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After meticulous consideration and searching, senior Diana Chao was elected by ASB for the Sleepless-Stress Award. This prestigious honor affords Chao the right to say that she is tired or stressed out without anyone questioning the validity of this claim or attempting to refute her stress with their own plethora of extracurricular activities and lack of sleep. This award is given every year by ASB to the person who they believe is the most stressed out and tired.

“I am honored to be given this award,” Chao said. “Finally, my sleepless nights, theater, Speech & Debate, impeccable grades, and shimmering resume have some validation.”

CHS administration, in collaboration with ASB, was sick and tired of hearing conversations as follows: “Ugh, I’m so stressed right now.” “Oh you think you’re stressed? I was at school until 8p.m., and I still haven’t done my APUSH homework!” All across campus, CHS students are competing for the position of most stressed out and are hoping to validate their own misery by belittling other people’s misery.

The Sleepless-Stress Award was designed to remedy this situation. Now, instead of competing for the worst day, students can take comfort in the fact that there is someone more stressed out than them, and therefore their own overwhelming hysteria as a result of classes, extracurricular activities, and sleep deprivation is invalid.

“This award has brought me a lot of peace of mind. I now know that even though I feel tired, overworked, and unhappy, I am not actually because that right is reserved for the winner of this award,” sophomore Tess Rounds said.

The Sleepless-Stress award is determined by a number of factors that ASB takes into consideration. In order of importance, students are evaluated as follows: First semester seniors are obviously more stressed out than juniors because of the college application process; freshmen and sophomores are not even considered for this award because, really, how stressed can an underclassmen be? IB students are more stressed than AP students. Sorry AP students, but your classes just are not as hard. Theater students are given bonus points, especially in times of shows. Students in sports are clearly more stressed than students who are not in season or do not play a sport. And finally, if all of the above is tied between students, ASB will break down the number of clubs that they are a part of, divided by the hours of sleep that a student gets, to determine who is truly the most overworked and stressed out.

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