It’s February 14, and YOU are lonely. Lucky for you, for the low price of $99.99/hour, you can order an express delivery, exclusive offer, hot-to-go, one-day only, Valentine’s Day boyfriend!
About me: My name is Adrian Anthony Adonis, and as my grades reflect, I am all A’s. I am a 6’3”, nonchalant alpha male, and a known feminist. I have written multiple pieces of feminist literature, including the Feminist Manifesto, A Woman’s Guide to the Patriarchy, and New York Times bestseller Period Pains: Understanding and Coping.
The numerous women I have dated all tell me that I have the body of Hugh Jackman and the face of Ryan Gosling. Despite this, I am a young and spry seventeen year old, and free to be yours if you order today.
On top of it all, I am a hopeless romantic, perfect for recreating rom-com moments that you desperately crave. With an additional purchase of $49.99, I (your Boyfriend™) will buy you flowers and pamper you for one special day. All of your friends (and your mortal enemies) are certain to be jealous.
I have a strong no returns policy, as I believe the service I provide to you will be worth its weight in memories and words of affirmation so potent they will melt the richest of chocolates, and of course, your heart.
Here at Boyfriend Inc., we make miracles happen. If that means making sure you are not lonely on Valentine’s—quite the challenge, we know—then we are up for the task. Order now, and get half off on future orders, or a family and friends discount the next time you purchase. Happy Valentine’s!
