Ah, Christmas. There’s nothing quite like sitting around the tree with friends and family, caroling around the neighborhood, and waiting for Santa Claus himself to arrive to all the good girls and boys… except, of course, for progressivism and accountability! Times are changing, and if our favorite holiday can’t catch up, it’s in dire danger of being canceled! Because if not everyone can have a little joy and cheer, why should anyone have it?
And where else to start but your very house? You little bigots have done nothing but deck the halls with boughs of hatred and non-inclusivity. Those cookies and milk you’ve laid out for Santa aren’t non-GMO, gluten free, and vegan? Canceled! Your angels, nutcrackers, nativity figurines, ornament figurines, and even your gingerbread men are gender-specific and you leave no room for them to define their own identity? Canceled! Don’t even get me started on your gifts, because if your advent calendars and presents aren’t all bought from your local brick-and-mortar store, you’re supporting big corporations that exploit and outsource child labor from foreign countries. Even that model train circling around the Christmas tree is an obvious endorsement of railway corporations that transports Amazon products that make Jeff Bezos richer, so you best believe you have a one-way ticket to canceltown! And the wreath on your door, the holly in your halls, the mistletoe, the poinsettias, and especially your Christmas tree were all once-living plants and now exist as reminders of horrid deforestation and your indifference to climate change and ecosystem destruction! Cancel, cancel, cancel!
It’s not just the tradition either, it’s the culture. We’ve continued to embed these horrid traditions into our songs and movies… or should we say propaganda?!?! Why haven’t you thrown out your CDs of “Elf” and “The Grinch” considering that both endorse making fun of those who aren’t like us, pushing racism by discriminating on size and greenness? For that matter, why support the Grinch’s abuse of his dog Max or the animal abuse that is a “one-horse open sleigh” mentioned in “Jingle Bells”? Frosty The Snowman might be a Snow-they/them, but the issue of gender raises even more questions. Was Mommy forced into kissing Santa Claus in “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” and why is the male singer so overly possessive of a woman in “Baby It’s Cold Outside”, thus undermining her female autonomy? For that matter, mistletoe literally enforces gender and relation stereotypes, allowing partners to leverage simple Christmas customs in potentially abusive relationships! “The Polar Express” supports trafficking children without their consent, “A Christmas Story” glorifies gun culture, and “It’s A Wonderful Life” promotes dismissing domestic abuse to prevent men from developing suicidal tendencies out of rightful guilt. Every single piece of media around the holiday is pushing some agenda that we need to wit”ho-ho-ho”ld from coming generations to stop condoning Christmas.
So who else should we look to for the perpetrator of this madness but the spreader of Christmas cheer made Christmas crappiness, the one and only Santa Claus. His lifestyle choices, for a start; the decision to maintain his round physique and condone the mockery of it by others regresses the body positivity movement, and the fact that he only ever wears the same red suit and hat promotes laziness and the malpractice of recycling clothes constantly. His over possessiveness of Mrs. Claus to the point that her real first name and identity have been almost completely forgotten certainly doesn’t help the gender equality gap either. And his work practices are just as abhorrent! He overworks his reindeer by forcing them to fly around the world in just one night, though we can at least respect that his sleigh is carbon-neutral. He quite literally forces his elves into modern slavery by making them work in a low-paying and dangerous factory job all year to make toys that he gets the credit for. And to top it all off, he isolates both from society in the North Pole resulting in factory emissions that melt the Arctic ice caps! He’s destroying modern values and our modern world one gift at a time, and it’s time we give him the gift of cancellation in return.
If you don’t want to be a racist, sexist, abuser, polluter, and killer of the lower class all rolled into one, you would do best to call out Christmas for everything that is wrong with it. Because until absolutely no one is disadvantaged or offended by the arrival of the Christmas spirit, no one should be able to enjoy the Christmas spirit out of accountability! Progressive holidays, everyone!
