Soaked toilet paper strewn all around the bathroom floors. Unflushed feces lazily floating in the toilet bowl. Drops of neon yellow pee sprinkled oh-so generously over the toilet seat rim and tiled ground. Welcome to the Claremont High restrooms, where the horror and disgust rivals the scare zones at Knotts Scary Farm. Claremont High students remain unfazed by this all-too familiar sight in their school’s restroom because their solution is pretty simple: Squeeze, hold, and defecate at home. However, this once widely-popular strategy to dodge the pit of hell we call “Claremont High Restrooms,” has only unleashed a plague of urinary bladder infections and shitty atmospheres. Luckily, in a heroic twist, the board of directors have swooped in armed with a revolutionary solution- potty training classes!
The new curriculum of potty-training classes have helped students achieve their full potential by mastering the art of flushing, toilet paper origami to wipe that tush, and tips on urinal archery. As hands-on learning is the new trend in classrooms, students have voted on live uncensored demonstrations to show them the proper ins and out. To practice integrating these life skills into reality, Claremont high students have practiced drills that replicate specific restroom scenarios. On the potty training portion of the PSAT, one of the drills provided a scenario of needing to take a big dump in the “crapper,” but as quietly as possible. Several students passed thanks to the training of using the flush as a sound mask, saving both their grade and the PSAT proctor from the sound of dung plopping into the water. As word of Claremont High’s potty training classes has spread across California, the State Board of Education is considering mandating these classes statewide. The success of this program is undeniable. The neon yellow pee adorning the toilet seat and unflushed feces are now a thing of the past, a piece of fiction that ceases to exist. Instead Claremont High has been put on the map thanks to the potty training classes. The once-dreaded bathrooms are now one of the biggest assets to Claremont High’s squeaky clean reputation.
In the end, it’s safe to say the revolution of potty training classes has empowered students to actually be hygienic in restrooms. Claremont High has finally emerged as a beacon of hope that highschool teenagers can actually be hygienic. With newfound confidence in their bathroom skills, Claremont High students are now prepared to flush out old nauseating habits and embrace the plunge of our new potty training classes. Brace yourselves as a new generation of bathroom savvy scholars aim for greatness.
