Tis’ another year where students pick classes and their favorite electives. CHS is known for having a diverse approach in teaching students new skills and lessons regarding jobs in the real world, a world with high cortisol levels. Although students may find an elective that can be life-changing, they are always asking for more. As Claremont High approaches the 2026-2027 academic year, fully handed, or in other words, a large handful of students, “Advanced Placement Cortisol Min-Maxing” class, which could get them prepared for the horrors of stress that come from adulting, aka important high-stakes, financially influential competitive gambling. Students yearn for CHS to be known as “Chad High School,” spreading the gospel of min-maxing and what it means to balance cortisol. So, fellow viewer, may you indulge in this informative and potentially life-changing apparatus that should be taught in our local high school.

The essence of min-maxing is simple, yet it is a subject that is lacking in a society of mediocrity, lackadaisical behavior, and an absence of introspection—something that ChatGPT can not teach, write, or speak into utter existence. Now, before we get into the crux of the matter, we should identify what min-maxing is. Min-maxing is cleverly, originally devised, and well-suited to its purpose. The “min” in “min-maxing” is minimizing one’s weakness, and unanticipatedly enough, the “max” in “min-maxing” is maximizing one’s strength. So in other words, we are min, and we are maxing. It can be attached to other subjects, like the derivatives used in calculus that are in terms of the variables used in equations. It can be separated by parts, and integrated in terms opposite to min and max, with bounds that are subjected to reality. As though we are chasing horses in midstream, enough of this intellectual spiel and back to the matter at hand. We will be using “min-maxing” in regard to cortisol.

So, what is cortisol? It is a hormone that is produced in the adrenal glands, otherwise known as the stress hormone, or “photodechadification,” the proper scientific term. Some have natural spikes of cortisol and perform exquisitely, while others tend to have poor management. Some, however, naturally have fewer spikes of cortisol. NOW, my beautiful reader, we are in the nitty, most “griddy” part of this junction of a function. You may be asking yourself: “Am I a bad apple with naturally high cortisol spikes?” The answer could be yes, but it could also be no. The reason is that you can manage your cortisol spikes. Cortisol is spiked when your brain triggers the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. Honestly, I do not know what that means, but that is why we need an advanced class in CHS to conduct in-depth teachings that will disrupt “photodechadification” and encourage the pursuit of “chaddiness” and “benevolenciyaga,” something that is not yet trademarked, and also something that ChatGPT can not teach. Spiking cortisol levels can alter the body in many ways, such as gaining weight and missing fortunately, in other words misfortunately, causing gynecomastia, or “gyno,” which is growing rampant every year in young men. In the main, it causes high blood pressure and sleeping problems along with anxiety issues; something that chads do not have.

So now… fixing the problem… Basically that will be taught in AP Cortisol Min-Maxing. Let us just hope the school approves the class for next year.