Hi my name is Julia. I am a 7th grader at El Roble and I consider myself somebody who can give very, very good advice. So I decided to create this column for your reading pleasure. You are welcome. This column is basically like “Ask Amy” from the LA Times but better, because I wrote it. Thank you. Thank you. I know. I am amazing. And now here is some advice for you readers.

How do I adult?
Adulting is physically impossible. I have never met an adult who has actually “adulted.” The whole concept is a mirage. All they really do is buy legos and watch Harry Potter. Sometimes they even play lego Harry Potter!!!

Need money pls help.
I too no money, pls help!!! (PayPal in bio)

Taxes?! How?!
Taxes are a figment of our collective imagination. A government pyramid scheme, to fund the military and highschool football teams. No job = no tax and no government tracking. Simply refrain from working. Alternatively solly function in cash. Unless they pinky promise to fund art programs.

Do I have to work this summer?
Do you want to pay taxes this summer?!?! Ooooooooooor do you want to work at a hippy store that only takes cash?

Do I have to take responsibility for myself? Because I just want to stay in my mommy’s basement.
Hmmm hmmmm hmmmmm… you could stay in the basement. OOOOOOOOr you could turn into Jeffrey Bezos who is soooooooo rich, his money takes responsibility for his actions 😉 😉 Also free shipping to your mommy wammy. If you would like to accomplish this: steal the candy from a child’s hand, then you will be the heartless monster you always wanted to be, Jeffrey Bezos… (come on jeffry… you can do it! Pave the Way! Put your back into it!) Secretly though you are saving this child from the beginnings of a sugar addiction.

My mommy says I can’t live in her basement anymore. What should I do?
Well it’s a good thing you are Jeffrey Bezos now, given you followed the advice above. So now you have the ability to renovate the basement (when I say you I mean your money, does it look like Jeffrey has worked a day in his life?) In your mommy’s newly renovated basement you may now become the gamer boy of your dreams my guy, yeah fortnite we bout to get down!

Why did I commit to four more years of education? Is it too late to get my deposit and my life back?
You “committed” to four more years (maybe more idk) because Elmo said you should when you visited him after following my advice last issue. So if you don’t want elmo and your poultry amigos to come after you, it is too late for your “life.”In all seriousness, do what you feel called to do, my man (man being a gender neutral word in this instance) so if that means hours on your phone and computer desperately trying to get your money and life back from the malicious, money sucking organizations we call high education you do you. Beware of the poultry amigos however.

What if I peaked in high school?
You’re screwed my guy there’s no saving you. But luckily you can now live vicariously through Elon Musk’s Tesla robot! Yeee Hawww… provided you got that money money like Jeffrey Bezos. Need help getting there? See above ^. Thank you goodbye.

How many girl scout cookies will I find in college?
On college campuses Girl Scout cookies are an extremely rare sighting, so if you do manage to come across a Girl Scout Walking through the college campuses selling Girl Scout cookies, buy them all and or get your friends to buy them all. Most times you will have to go off of campus just to get Girl Scout cookies.

How much junk food can one body consume without combusting?
Well, currently, since you are a soon to be college student, your stomach is a bottomless pit. This means that you will basically be able to consume all of your (soon to no longer be) dining hall in one sitting. Now as to whether or not this will trigger combustion… there is no telling how those sussy wussy junk food chemicals will react together in your gut biome. If you happen to be lactose intolerant and try this, I will be praying for your anus.

I’m going to be an engineering major. How do I prevent self detonation? Alternately: as an engineering major, how do I avoid putting self destruction buttons on everything I build?
There is no avoiding self detonation. Trust me, my engineering major cousin installed a self detonation button on me one day while we were sewing headbands together. So far I have exploded 69 times already but my goal is 420 by 2040. As to the question of how to avoid attaching self destruction buttons on everything you build, talk to a therapist. This will be really beneficial when you start building relationships, that is if you actually get your butt off the interweb and go touch grass.

Is the Grammarly guy in college? Will I find him there? Asking for a friend.
Are you sure you are asking for a friend??? I am watching you grammerly_girlboss327, like a hawk… Anyway, I can confirm that he is no longer attending college. But you might want to look out for any guest lecturers on the topic of grammar.

What does Elmo have to say about college?
Elmo says you should go to college. Or else he and your poultry amigos will come after you and politely [demolish/ knock down/ pull down/ tear down/ level/ raze (to the ground)/ fell/ dismantle/ break up/ wreck/ ruin/ smash/ shatter/ crash/ blast/ blow up/ blow to bits/ pieces/ dynamite/ explode/ bomb/ torpedo/ spoil/ disfigure/ blight/ mar/ impair/ flaw/ deface/ scar/ injure/ harm/ devastate/ damage/ lay waste/ ravage/ wreak havoc on/ waste/ disfeature/ disrupt/ undo/ upset/ play havoc with/ make a mess of/ put an end to/ end/ bring to an end/ put a stop to/ terminate/ prevent/ frustrate/ crush/ quell/ quash/ dash/ scotch/ vitiate/ sabotage/ upset someone’s apple cart {cabbage}/ cook someone’s goose/ mess up/ muck up/ screw up/ louse up/ foul up/ make a hash of/ do in/ put paid to/ put the lid on/ put the kibosh on/ do for/ scupper/ dish/ stymie/ queer/ nix/ banjax/ blow a hole in/ muller/ euchre/ cruel/ bring to naught/ defeat (someone) utterly/ anniehilate/ wipe out/ obliterate/ wipe off the face of the earth/ wipe off the map/ eliminate/ eradicate/ liquidate/ extinguish/ finish off/ erase/ root out/ extirpate/ kill/ slaughter/ massacre/ butcher/ exterminate/ take out/ rub out/ snuff out/ zap/ waste/ defeat utterly/ beat hollow/ win a resounding victory over/ vanquish/ drub/ trounce/ rout/ crush/ give someone a drubbing/ overwhelm/ lick/ thrash/ hammer/ clobber/ paste/ give someone a pasting/ whip/ pound/ pulverize/ demolish/ wipe the floor with/ take to the cleaners /make mincemeat of /murder /crucify/ flatten/ turn inside out/ run rings around/ stuff/ marmalize/ shellac/ blow out/ cream/ skunk/ own] you like I said in my “Why did I commit to four more years of education?” advice: beware of your poultry amigos.

I am not going to college
Slay

How do I stop being a burnout?
Try venmoing me $20 it will give me motivation to do things so I wont be a burnout like you. L.

How to get bitches in College
This can go one of two ways. It could be just like in highschool but easier now because they (likely) have no standards or harder because they do not have a life. In the event that neither of these eventualities is true at a college near you, check out my masterclass on how to adopt from your local animal shelter.

What type of fun games do I get to play in college
You have come to the right person with the question. I am well versed in this topic, because I have a cousin that went to Harvey Mudd and I’ve got to watch people play this game IRL. Ok, ready for this? So there is this really fun game like cricket where you have a wiffleball bat and you have beer. You gotta hit the beer can and then you have to go to the beer cooler and chug beer! Then how many beer cans you emptied is how many points you get for your team! If you get a foul, then you have to fill up your wiffle ball bat full of beer, spin around with your head on the bat, drink the beer from the bat, and then hit a beer can. I bet you can’t wait to play this!!! I know I can’t! As a matter of fact, wanna set up a game? With rootbeer of course 😉

Are college parties really all that?
Well if college drinking games are any indication college parties will be an… interesting experience. As to whether or not they are all that you tell me, I am merely in seventh grade. So go to one and report back to me, I’ll be here next year. {cash up me at}

My mom is making me become a doctor. Do I get to slay in that job?
The goal is to be a doctor. Doctors should not be slaying. They should be saving but otherwise Slay

How do I handle senioritis?
What is senioritis? Wait, I looked it up. And here it is so you don’t have to: a supposed affliction of students in their final year of high school or college, characterized by a decline in existence. If you wanna handle this, you have to die. This will allow you to meet hades in the underworld! Hades is very swag. So he will send you back up. But before you go, demand that he give you his very swag information. His very swag information is the answer to death and how to live laugh love. With this information you will be very good at curing senioritis. So go out and live, laugh, love your best life, am I right? If this works, please leave your results in the comments below.

Oreos or Famous Amos?
Good question my fav swagy questionnaire. First off! I LOVE me some Famous Amos (aside to transcriber) what is famous amos? But if we are talking Oreos with MINT flavor and if we are talking mint DOUBLE STUFFED Oreos then Oreos win. Otherwise famous Amos.

Should I respond with aggression?
No broski. Aggression is very bad for your mental health, don’t go with aggression, go with love and happiness

How? And Why?
no (all lower case). That is the answer. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

How should I decide on a career path?
Don’t! Let me do it for you… here is a link to my random career generator: https://spinthewheel.app/NAo81q5AJg

How do I enjoy life again?
You don’t ;-;

Does missing an assignment/ turning one in late still seem like the end of the world? And if so, how do I get back to that point so that I can actually feel motivated to work again?
I can reassure you that it is the end of the world. Let that knowledge alone motivate you to turn it in. Speaking of… I have some work that I have to finish ha ha ha.

How many farts is too many farts?
No farts is too many farts, quote your non-existent girlfriend.

Why can’t I sleep?
Because you are now Jeffry Bezos and this answer is self explanatory.

Is it attractive if someone has a super messy room?
Yes! Because I am attractive! Obviously! This is your sign to messify your room right now!!!

What is the right number of friends?
69 because 69 is a funny number. Your other option is three for your three chicken amigos.

I am feeling angry, what should I do?
Not feel angry. If you wanna know how not to feel angry you just don’t feel angry. There I solved all of your problems. Alternatively, try curing senioritis. Your Welcome.