The Wolfpacket’s “life-changing” dating advice


Unbeknownst to most CHS students, the Wolfpacket staff are world-renowned experts in the field of love and attraction. Our Instagram DMs are constantly flooded with questions from desperate students longing for a relationship, and recently the pressure to respond individually has become overwhelming. So this issue, we have decided to publicly share our wisdom about the dating world in hopes of helping our loyal readers find success. Here is a list of our most frequently asked questions:

I’m highly allergic to my boyfriend’s cats and my face swells up every time he kisses me. What should I do?
Give him an ultimatum: it’s you or the cats.

How do I approach a crush that I’ve never talked to?
If you’re nervous about approaching your crush, try one of these foolproof pickup lines:
1. Are you the Dr. Brett O’Connor Student Center, or are there two young, built, and alluring establishments on this campus?
2. Are you the CHS-issued school lunch? Because weirdly enough, I’m craving you.
3. Are you one of Mr. Chamberlain’s keyboards? Because I want to steal you away and never give you up.
4. Are you the Wolfpacket? Because I’m ready to bask in your literary brilliance.

In the unlikely event that none of these pickup lines bring you success, and you’ve tried number four at least twice, then your crush isn’t good enough for you. Find someone who truly appreciates our school’s pre-packaged broccoli.

I’m an alpha male, but my crush is dating a sigma male. Should I assert my dominance?
Maybe you should think more about your feelings towards this sigma male. Is your desire to assert dominance over him, masking a secret crush? The assertion of dominance can be a highly risky endeavor, so watch out. You may become a rival instead of a lover. The best advice is to wait it out. Also, please note that telling people you are an alpha is definitely a red flag. That information should be kept to yourself.

My girlfriend is on the Wolfpacket staff. Is that a red fl–

My empath girlfriend can sense that I’m cheating on her. What should I do?
When dealing with an empath, you must bury your feelings deeper than usual. First step: stop telling her that you are cheating on her. Second step: pretend to like her. Third step: test whether she is truly an empath by faking your own death.

What can be done to address the copious amounts of PDA (Public Displays of Affection) on campus?
This question has multiple levels. First, we must figure out where your concern lies. If you are just jealous that you are not included in the PDA, there is an easy solution for that. Just insert yourself! If you are concerned that you have been involved in too many public displays of affection, enjoy it while it lasts. They’ll get over you eventually. And finally, if you are too stubborn to admit that you are just jealous, we can introduce you to a recently cheated-on, heartbroken empath girlfriend, who is willing to talk.

My boyfriend has a shrine to Dr. O’Connor in his room, is that a red flag?
Hang on, you don’t have a shrine to Dr. O’Connor? Nothing sets the mood better than Doc Oc’s smiling face strategically placed on a five-dollar prayer candle.

My polyamorous boyfriend is cheating on me. What should I do?
Your boyfriend has made it clear that he is interested in other people. To combat this, try cheating on him with his side pieces and posting lots of cute couple photos with each of them. You can then select one of them as your next partner. If after all this you are still heartbroken, we are happy to offer you a spot on the Wolfpacket Bachelor spread (see features).

What does it mean if your crush blocks you on Instagram and tells you to never talk to them again?
They are obviously just playing hard to get. Hire a lawyer now to prepare your appeal in advance, so you will have it ready once the restraining order is filed.

My boyfriend is constantly asking to copy my math homework and I am starting to think that is the only reason he is dating me. Am I crazy?
Yes, probably. However, you might as well break up with him because he sounds stupid. And when you do, please remember that many (perhaps all) of the Wolfpacket staff are single and definitely don’t need any math help.

My girlfriend is obsessed with BTS. Should I feel threatened by a K-pop group?
Threatened? Absolutely! Threatened is an understatement. You should go to bed every night knowing you will never be as talented or beautiful as any of the seven members and you are merely a placeholder .

My girlfriend couldn’t even solve the Wordle in 3 tries. Am I too good for her?
Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Why did you like her to begin with?

My girlfriend sucks at cupcake 2048, should I break up with her?
See previous answer

A girl in one of my classes is really hot, but she is constantly playing Cupcake 2048. Should I try and talk to her?
Before even considering a conversation, first make sure you are not distracting her from an intense and possibly record-breaking game. Only go up to her if her score is currently below the Cookies-and-Cream Cupcake. Second, you need to look within yourself and decide whether you are a good enough cupcake gamer for her. If your highest cupcake is Chocolate Sundae or lower, give up: you have no chance. To really make a good impression, you will need to be a Cupcake Master yourself. Come into the conversation prepared with a screenshot of the 8192 Rainbow Cupcake. This is the only way to ensure success.

Are the Wolfpacket Editors In Chief (EICs) out of my league?

But isn’t there anything I can do to date the Wolfpacket EICs?
We’ll see. Submit this comprehensive questionnaire to room 105 by Valentine’s Day of 2023:

Question 1
Please describe OUR
Ethereal Beauty
Top-tier Intelligence
Sparkling Personality

Question 2
Please describe YOUR
Intended major
Average income for graduates of that major
Location (and market value) of second home (mountain or beach only)

Because of the high demand for the Wolfpacket’s advice and guidance, the staff was unable to get to all of the frequently asked questions. Hopefully, these love lessons were still helpful. And even if you cannot find a relationship, take comfort in the knowledge that the Wolfpacket thinks you are just as alluring as the Dr. Brett O’Connor student center.