SATIRE: Malware attack on CHS accounts…. Click HERE to see if you were affected!!!

Schoolwide canvas message from Dr. O’Connor on April 28th, 2021, 10:30 AM:
Dear students and staff, unfortunately, it has come to our attention that there has been another malware attack on all CUSD servers. Our IT consultants believe that they will have the situation under control shortly, however, in the interim it is essential that all students and staff remain on their current Zoom calls with their cameras on. We have been led to believe that ending a Zoom call or turning off a camera will allow the hackers to utilize a CUSD email to steal your personal data. Thank you for your cooperation, and we will update you all as soon as we have new information. As we go forward in this unprecedented time it is imperative that we all stick together.

Private journal entry from Hacker Bob. [Bob used to work in PR at TJ Maxx but somehow got sucked into a black market hacker ring that makes money stealing information from public school servers. Hacker Bob is able to see all CUSD Zoom classes from his gaming PC in his mother’s basement in Oxnard, California and is currently questioning his life choices and morals]:
After the announcement, most Zoom classes were filled with flustered students who had not expected to have to get out of bed and turn their cameras on that morning. They now began to sit in awkward silence, awaiting any further information. However, that was not the case for Mr. Chamberlain’s 6th period Theory Of Knowledge class. Chamberlain, who had been scrolling through his email and missed the Canvas announcement, had gotten an email. Mr. Chamberlain, who had never seen such a list before, was mystified.

Malware email sent to all CHS teachers:
Click the link below to see who put you on the top ten worst teachers at CHS list. You won’t believe who else is on there!

Hacker Bob narration continued:
As it turns out, Mr. Chamberlain was really curious as to which teacher put him on this list. After clicking on the encrypted malware email, he is suddenly kicked off of his Zoom call, leaving his self-described “high achieving” and “globally minded” full IB students to think for themselves in a time of crisis.

Zoom chat from Dictator Doug to Everyone:
Yooooooo guys this is crazy like did Mr. Chamberlain just get kicked off the meeting or something? Also ayo it looks like I was made the host so don’t be private messaging anything sus because I can see all your messages. Jk but like not tho. hahahahAhaha

Zoom chat from Democratic Dorthy to Everyone:
Doug it is of the utmost importance that we be professional about this. Who knows how long we are going to have to stay on this call so we must have a vote to see who is responsible enough to have these host privileges. React with a thumbs up if you agree with me. Also, don’t read peoples’ private messages that is literally none of your business.
Zoom chat from Don’t care Danny to Everyone:
Bro this literally sucks guys. How long do we have to stay on this call? Honestly why don’t we all just leave. Like, all our information is probably already out there anyways. I heard Tik Tok is spying on us or something. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Private message from Democratic Dorthy to Don’t care Danny:
Hi Danny, I noticed your message in the chat and I really agreed with what you said. However, I just wanted to remind you that Dr. O’cConnor’s message said that leaving this meeting or turning your camera off could cause the entire school to get hacked. So please don’t leave lol. Also, I was just wondering, if we have an election would you vote for me to take over host duties? Idk if it’s just me but like I’m not sure if Doug is the right person to have that control. He seems a little too into it. Not that I care that much or anything, just a thought.

Hacker Bob narration continued:
While Dorthy obviously also wanted control of the Zoom meeting, she was right that Dough had gotten “a little too into it.” He had begun to read some of the private messages between his fellow classmates out loud and would use his host powers to mute anyone who interjected. This included Greasy Greg, who was outraged when Doug read his message about being worried if people could tell he hadn’t showered in over a week. Meanwhile, Dorthy had somehow convinced Doug to open up a breakout room,where she and some of her friends were working together to come up with the best way to hold a vote for a new host. They were trying to emulate the ideas of direct democracy developed in Ancient Greek and Roman society… they were IB kids after all. It should be noted that unlike in Ancient Greece, everyone was allowed to vote, a distinction that Dorthy spent entirely too long pointing out.

Private message from Basic Bernice to her friend Simple Sally:
Omg Sally I was in the breakout room with Dorthy for a while but I left because I got soooooooo bored. They were like talking about how to learn from ancient societies or something…eww honestly I really regret doing full IB. ಥ_ಥ But anyway while I was in there I kept on thinking that Doug and Dorthy would make such a cute couple. What do you think?

Private message from Simple Sally to Basic Bernice:
OMGGGG Bernice you are so right! They are totally meant to be but lowkey aren’t they kind of fighting right now, so idk. I think Dorthy wants to be the host or something. Anyway I can’t believe I signed up for IB either like I haven’t even started my IA and it was due a month ago. My sleep schedule no longer exists.

Hacker Bob narration continued:
While Sally and Bernice continued contemplating who would make the best couple in the class, Dorthy and her friends triumphantly came back to the main room prepared to present their 15 slide powerpoint presentation on their proposed voting system with a few slides at the end about why Dorthy was the best candidate. Her most convincing evidence was her years of experience as line leader from first to sixth grade. As she began to share her screen to display the carefully curated slides, disaster struck.

Zoom chat from Anarchist Annie to Everyone:
Guys nobody should listen to what Dorthy is saying! She is just a mouthpiece for the IB curriculum propaganda. She has to be brainwashed by the system! I say screw that learner profile! We all need to fend for ourselves on this Zoom call.

Zoom chat from Don’t care Danny to Everyone:
Hey guys look what I just drew on Dorthy’s slideshow lol this whole class is a joke
༼ ºل͟º ༼ ºل͟º ༼ ºل͟º ༽ ºل͟º ༽ ºل͟º ༽

Hacker Bob narration continued:
While a description of Danny’s drawing is not appropriate for this narration, it did inspire the rest of the “advanced” IB class to follow his lead and draw all over Dorthy’s presentation. After pouring her blood, sweat, and tears into creating a convincing slideshow, only for it to be rudely vandalized, she finally lost it. She screamed at the rest of her classmates, calling them absolute imbeciles and telling them that they did not deserve to be discussing the theory of knowledge at all. This caused the rest of the class to unmute and the Zoom call erupted into chaos.

Zoom chat from Dictator Doug to Everyone:
I refused to be looked down upon by a girl whose whole personality is thinking that she is smarter than anyone else, even if it is true ngl. I hope your internet crashes the next time you stay behind to ask a teacher a question after class.

Zoom chat from Monarch Mitchell to Everyone:
(☞゚∀゚)☞ YEAH Mr. Chamberlain doesn’t even like you Dorthy. Oh and btw Dr. O’Connor is my uncle so it’s really my birthright to be the host.

Hacker Bob narration continued:
As the call descended into madness, and everyone began to unmute and argue, Doug scrambled to mute all participants. In his panicked clicking, his mouse slipped, and he pressed the wrong button, accidentally making Danny a co-host. Seeing his chance to finally focus all his attention on killing the Ender Dragon in Minecraft, Danny promptly ended the call. (On a personal note, I relate to the kid. I still haven’t killed that stupid dragon and I’m almost thirty.)

Diary entry from Lord of the hackers sent from in Miami, Florida on April 29th, 2021:
Well, I hate to say this but the CUSD heist turned out to be a bust. Hacker Bob has unfortunately left us and has gone back to work at TJ Maxx as a sales associate. We had a farewell party for him on the dark web. Those two kids Doug and Dorthy ended up going on a date and I can only imagine what they talked about. Finally, the CUSD IT team felt victorious after adding a 5 to their previous server password, which was CHS1234.

Staff email from Dr. O’Connor to CUSD IT team:
Great work guys!