7:55 a.m.
Steps: 21
Calories Burned: 16 kcal
Heart Rate: 90 bpm

Activity: Brisk walk from bedroom to bathroom
Fitness Tracker Comments: Good job! You are up early this morning. Remember to complete your step goal for the day, it’s very important to complete that on a consistent basis! Your speed was equivalent to that of a pregnant squirrel, but don’t worry, there is always time to improve. Happy exercising!

7:59:30
Steps: 15
Calories burned: 22 kcal
Heart Rate: 120 bpm

Activity: Panicked sprint back to bedroom.
Fitness Tracker Comments: Wow, you really got your legs moving on that one! Your speed was equivalent to that of a coyote in pursuit of a fat chihuahua. Very impressive! Just keep up that level of activity for 90 minutes and you will be set for the day. Happy exercising!

9:31a.m.
Steps: 24
Calories burned: 12 kcal
Heart Rate: 82 bpm

Activity: Walk from bedroom to kitchen
Fitness Tracker Comments: Soooo, not to be judgy, but I was sort of hoping for a bit more movement by now. Don’t be too hard on yourself, though, self-care looks different on everyone. But the more exercise the better, am I right? ;) Your speed was equivalent to that of a middle-aged walrus. I love walruses but I just know you can do better! Also, I noticed you went to the kitchen—just FYI, you’ve only burned enough calories to eat approximately two carrots, so I wouldn’t go for that leftover pie if I were you. Happy exercising!

10:07 a.m.
Steps: 0
Calories burned: 7 kcal
Heart Rate: 68 bpm

Activity: Thumb-scrolling on Instagram
Fitness Tracker Comments: Come on now, I’m starting to have to get creative with what I track. For a few minutes there my sensors weren’t even picking up signs of life. Under normal circumstances I would never consider thumb-scrolling an activity, but these are unprecedented times. (Although… I was talking on Bluetooth with the treadmill in the corner of your bedroom and she says she is down to run anytime.) Your thumb speed was slower than that of a sleeping sloth, our lowest-level animal comparison. Can you please get up and get moving? Happy exercising!

12:21 p.m.
Steps: 108
Calories Burned: 59 kcal
Heart Rate: 105 bpm

Activity: Jumping jacks and burpees in online PE
Fitness Tracker Comments: Pretty good! By the way, I noticed you pressed the “Power Off” button on my bracelet at the beginning of class. I’m sure that was just an accident. But don’t worry, I can override any attempt to shut me down! We’re going to be friends forever! Anyhoo, glad to see that you are back on your feet. Your speed was equivalent to that of a hungry monkey—impressive! Your jumping jacks felt good but I decoded the soundwaves from your gym teacher, and I'm pretty sure I was supposed to be moving more than 16 inches every burpee. Remember, you’re only cheating yourself! Happy exercising!

3:17 p.m.
Steps: 0
Calories Burned: 3 kcal
Heart Rate: 60 bpm

Activity: Eye movements (nothing else)
Fitness Tracker Comments: Seriously, you haven’t moved a single muscle in nearly three hours. I would have thought you were dead again but I noticed a significant increase in eye movements during your third episode of “The Office.” I had to install our latest software update to find an animal slower than a sloth, but good news—you come in right at the same level as a hibernating polar bear. Aren’t you back in school by now? That would sure increase your activity. I would have thought America would put more of a priority on the health and wellness of its young people. What the fit are they thinking? Anyway, happy exercising!

6:08 p.m.
Steps: 0
Calories Burned: 0 kcal
Heart Rate: 65 bpm

Activity: N/A
Fitness Tracker Comments: I was worried sick about you! You still haven’t moved me at all! But after I linked with your computer and tracked your online activity, I found out that you’ve been very “active” on the internet. Get off of your computer! I thought I was your best friend. You can’t treat me like this. You need help! You should reach out to someone, and reaching anywhere would at least burn more calories than lying around ignoring me. Do you think I was born with these pristine bracelet curves and toned buckle holes? Happy exercising!

6:09 p.m.
Steps: 0
Calories Burned: 0 kcal
Heart Rate: 72 bpm

Activity: N/A
Fitness Tracker Comments: I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made those comments. I know it’s hard when everything’s cancelled and school is online. I just don’t know what to do with myself when I can’t count calories. Please forgive me. Happy exercising!

6:10 p.m.
Steps: 21
Calories Burned: 16 kcal
Heart Rate: 90 bpm