The White House reports on Saturday that President Trump’s MAGA-branded wallet was stolen by Vice President JD Vance. Sources confirm that Vance was complaining about not being given enough allowance and therefore spent all the taxpayer money on Robux. Vance reportedly bought gamepasses, allowing him to purchase defenses for his tycoon to keep “the far-left radicals out of his business.” Vance spent a significant amount on the game “Grow a Garden” to keep his produce “American-grown”.
Vance bought old-fashioned skins compared to the newer, trendier styles, stating that he “wanted to stay traditional, and remain modest.” Secretary of the Treasury Scott Bessent reports that he authorized the payments after he believed that Robux would provide a better opportunity to deplete inflation than the current dollar. In response to the growing unemployment rates, Vance thought it would be best if he could expand employment into the game “Work at a Pizza Place,” allowing Americans to “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.”
The move has caused quite a stir within the White House cabinet, as multiple high-ranking officials have spoken publicly about the issue. Elon Musk, on his platform X, writes that the whole debacle was “an epic gamer moment.” Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Kristi Noem tells Associated Press that Vance’s recent Roblox-related endeavors are going to positively impact America’s ability to defend itself at the border, as the White House has recently splurged billions in tax dollars on a laser border upgrade, a carbon copy of Vance’s Roblox tycoon defenses. To create more affordable housing, Vance purchased a gamepass in “Welcome to Bloxburg,” expanding housing by hundreds of pixels.
The latest reports have shown that President Trump had to revoke Vance’s credit card privileges because, supposedly, people in America do not enjoy having their tax dollars spent on children’s video game upgrades.
