Dear Claremont Unified School Board,
Claremont High School has officially been practicing our new strategy to establish school spirit for two weeks now. In the most recent conference, the administration voted unanimously to implement Middleground and Surrounded experiments. These social experiments, popularized by YouTube sensation Jubilee, have come to our attention, and we believe they will foster a more understanding and respectful community here at CHS. For context: Middleground entails two groups of ten people who carry polarizing views meeting to speak on those topics. Surrounded has one student encircled by fifteen to twenty-five other students with opposing views, each arguing their point one at a time until they get voted out by the others who wish to speak.
Thus far, our tests have been extremely successful. At first, some students did not want to comply, however, several student resource officers were present at the functions, which forced students to participate. The first Middleground took place on the topic of lunchtime; 10 students who brought food from home faced off against 10 students who got school lunches. A student who wishes to stay anonymous was interviewed about their experience.
“That **** was traumatizing,” the student said. “It turned into a full-blown food fight five minutes in. As someone on the school lunch side, I got hit with pickles. Who the heck packs pickles for their lunch?! My eyes still burn, and it has been two weeks!”
As you can see, this student was uncooperative and therefore had some difficulties adjusting to the Middleground. While the eye infection came with some paperwork, it was just a small bump in the road. These small kinks may have resulted in nonparticipation, however, the issue was soon resolved when administrators mandated the meetings. Without participation, students will no longer be eligible to graduate.
After this change, we had many more willing subjects. The second Middleground took place between Claremont High School’s Young Democrats and Young Republicans clubs. Due to legal reasons, we cannot disclose the results of this experiment because the lawsuit is still pending and the NDA is legally binding. However, if you are asking for proof of progress, well, here it is: we now only have one club here at Claremont, the Hive Mind club, and every member agrees on every topic! Hooray for Pack Pride!
Anyone who raises an alternate opinion is put in a game of Surrounded. The opponent is (as the name suggests) encircled by Hive Mind members who argue until the timer runs out. This usually results in either assimilation or death! If this does not go to show how our students are extremely passionate about school spirit, then nothing will.
We would provide more on how much students are enjoying the new system here at Claremont High School, but most students are in a vegetative state at this moment in time. Do not worry, it is only a coincidence that all members of the Hive Mind are now chanting: “We love calculus.” Therefore, we cannot provide any further interviews–sincere apologies for the inconvenience.
Sincerely,
CHS Administration
