After careful consideration, CHS has implemented an aura point system. The entirety of CUSD and most of California uses this system, so it was a surprise when Claremont High School did not agree at first. It has now been added to the official rulebook: all students will have a public aura meter that shows how much aura they have and points will be gained or lost in live time. Grades have been replaced with an aura scale; even the economy is being restored due to the new money system. Merriam Webster explains that aura is ‘stylishness; confident and suave excellence’. Walking around the halls with your backpack open? Minus aura. A dap up that resonates throughout the whole school? Plus aura. The system has left students and staff with mixed feelings. The first ever student to get held back because of this system recently left the school district.
“I’m sorry, you won’t be able to graduate this year, as you have negative 10,000 aura,” an anonymous teacher said.
The student was left deeply regretful, remembering the times he had accidentally called his English teacher “mom.” On the flip side, it looks like the Valedictorian will be graduating with infinite aura. How? She happened to scroll upon a mythical Instagram reel, giving her one million aura points. She is set to graduate with a whopping 1,021,456 points and was accepted into every single UC with just her aura count.
Most are happy with the new economy, though. Cash and credit have been discarded for aura points which are significantly easier to gain (and lose). The Claremont Village has recently adopted this program. CHS freshman Andrew Luschei shared his thoughts.
“In this economy? I’ll take the point system over anything,” Luschei said. “I only have one aura point because I spent all my aura, but everything is so much cheaper, and it’s way easier to earn points.”
That is right, eggs are no longer nine dollars, but just ten aura points. Even for someone like Luschei, who is nearing aura debt, it is significantly easier to earn points. Luschei will need to increase his mysteriousness and nonchalant demeanor if he plans on financially recovering.
But these are not all the changes. After student suggestions, all electives were replaced with aura classes, in which staff will teach students how to gain aura. This will, in turn, make all classes much easier to pass. Who needs to learn “necessary things for the future” when we can gain aura? Aura is the most important skill that this new generation needs to cultivate. Critical thinking skills, literacy, communication, and respect do not matter. Our schools have been teaching the wrong things for decades, yet phones and social media are always blamed for the decline of cognitive abilities in the US. In fact, the media should be respected for the spread of the aura system, which has made everything so much easier for students.
It is truly amazing seeing the students so focused on gaining aura. Perhaps that short attention span issue teachers were facing during class could have been solved all along by something that requires absolutely no thinking or knowledge. The solutions to problems such as these are extremely obvious. People just cannot accept the fact that “brain rot” such as aura was never the problem, but rather the answer.
