Hi my name is Julia. Two years ago I wrote an advice column for the Wolfpacket. Since it was so good I thought you guys might need some more advice from my beautiful self. Your Welcome. Enjoy your reading.
Q: How do I get a last-minute prom date?
A: Go with the CHS Escort service. We have many willing candidates like Olivia Delgado, the Hola Pack Girl; Carrie Little, the Editor and Chief of the Wolfpacket; and Thomas Spier, he plays soccer and whatever. Follow this link to see all these desperate, goofy goobers: http:.
Q: How do I convince my brother not to stink?
A: So you want to mask your brother’s alpha smell that, according to him, attracts all the ladies? Head down to your local Bath & Body Works and buy him a body wash in your favorite scent, without his knowledge (of course), because he clearly doesn’t use enough of it. Sneak about two tablespoons a day into his favorite pre workout. Soon, he will start smelling as soft as a baby’s bottom. Disclaimer: if you do this, he will start being very cranky and he will go into withdrawals if you do not give this to him.
Q: What is the best way to eat chocolate without actually eating chocolate?
A: What is chocolate? Is chocolate really chocolate? Am I chocolate? Are you chocolate? Is this chair I am sitting on chocolate? Is chocolate just a name? Well, isn’t chocolate just a complex link of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen atoms just like me and you? So in the great scheme of things, aren’t we all just chocolate? Yes. It is impossible to eat chocolate without actually eating chocolate. We are all just chocolate. I am chocolate. You are chocolate. Chocolate comes from beans and we are just human beans.
Q: Regular takis or Trader Joe’s Takis
A: Trader Joe’s Takis, obvi. Regular Takis are like, good and whatever, but you haven’t really tried a Taki without trying the Trader Joe’s Takis. Literally the best thing ever.
Q: How do I stop my teachers from yapping?
A: You can’t. You can’t is the true answer. Anything you do, or try will not work. It is impossible to stop your teachers from yapping. Yapping at their students is the deepest meaning of their lives. There is no way to stop them and it would be inhuman to try.
My sister once had a friend who tried to stop their English teacher from yapping because she was talking up all of the class time and preventing the students from attacking their assignments. This poor, misguided student asked Ursula to take away her teacher’s voice. And so Ursula tried and when she tried the whole classroom imploded except for my sister’s friend and the teacher has been yapping since.
Q: Is it gonna get warmer in this environment?
A: Most likely.
Q: I’m going to prom. Am I going to get to meet Lightning McQueen?
A: Ka-chow!
Q: Am I illiterate?
A: I can’t read this, what does it mean?
Q: How do I get back with my girlfriend?
A: So your girlfriend broke up with you. Huh. I am really sorry about that man. But you just gotta keep asking her to get back with you. Stand outside of her window with a boombox. Throw rocks at the window. Start passing her notes in class. And she will start saying she really doesn’t want to get back with you and to get lost. But she doesn’t really mean that. What she really means is she really loves you and that you should kidnap her parents and only give them back until she says that she will go on a date with you. It is just true love.
Q: Am I Katy Perry?
A: No, you are not Katy Perry. You will never be Katy Perry.
Q: Do you have any gum?
A: No, I got this piece from underneath my seat in Biology class earlier.
Q: How do I drink water?
A: It’s not about the how, it’s about the why? Why do we drink water? Is it to live, is it to breathe, is it to chocolate? Are we just lying to ourselves and we don’t really need it? I don’t think we need water. We just need diet pepsi. Diet Pepsi is just chocolate, we are all chocolate and chocolate is water. So just drink Sprite Cranberry.
Q: How do I tell my ex-boyfriend that I will not get back with him?
A: So, your ex-boyfriend really wants to get back with you, but you don’t want to get back with him. So, the thing you have to do is tell him that you don’t want to get back with him and get lost, because he is a waste of your time and energy.
Q: Am I the alpha wolf of Claremont?
A: no, Luke, you are not the alpha wolf of Claremont, you were lied to. I am actually the alpha wolf of Claremont. Rrraaaaaa!
