Hey kids. Welcome to today’s episode of Pokemon: Democrats and Republicans, the knockoff version of Pokemon: Sun and Moon.
For those of you new to the Pokemon world, a ten-year-old boy named Ash Ketchum fights the forces of evil, Team Rocket (two wannabe supermodels plus a talking cat). To defeat these forces of great evil– aka two adults who have the unusual pass-time of chasing kids around with semi-supernatural animals– the forces of good retaliate with their own Pokemon. Ash Ketchum, the main protagonist of the Pokemon franchise, has his own array of peculiar animals. And even though Pokemon may not exist in the real world, there are many people in this real world who, just like Pokemon, claim to “fight the forces of evil”– whether those forces are “those darn democrats,” “those darn Mexicans,” or “that darn receding hairline.”
To keep all trainers informed on the newest Pokemon of the season, here is an in-depth analysis of four presidential Pokemon who are fighting in the ultimate Pokemon League Battle: The 2024 Presidential Election.
Donald Trump
Enter the main star of the team– Donald Trump. With the support of 40% of the public, this deceptively weak Pokemon has some nifty tricks up its sleeve. When threatened, it can create a defensive wall around itself to nullify any damage. Trump also has the ultra-rare Bleach boost, which allows it to indefinitely increase its HP until all hair falls out.
Joe Biden
World-renowned sleeper Sleepy Joe is sleepy all day, every day. Don’t sleep on this rare psychic Pokemon. His Incoherent Sentence charged attack temporarily stuns opponents with confusion and allows him to sleep a bit more. Sleepy Joe is an essential Pokemon for any team looking for a Pokemon who also comes with sick aviator glasses.
Nikki Haley
Here comes the mama bear of the squad. She’s a fierce fighter with a fiery personality. In her basic stage, trainers are granted access to her regular attack, “Scum!”, and her charged attack, Ammunition. Once in her evolved stage (which is achieved through feeding her two hundred Trump-berries), she becomes a true power cannon, with double damage dealt in every attack. Be careful of this “mama-mia!” hand-gestured mama bear on the battlefield.
RFK Jr
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Nope. It’s Mark Wahlberg, republican edition. This Pokemon is a bit susceptible to being a bit much. Just look at this Pokemon’s website– the first thing you see on https://www.kennedy24.com/ is “DECLARE YOUR INDEPENDENCE!” This Pokemon talks big game, and plays big game. With this card, you gain exclusive access to “Thundershock,” an ultra-super-mega-rare-totally-never-used-before-100%-original attack. As you can see on the card, RFK Jr has NO WEAKNESSES. He has been banned from most public places due to paparazzi thinking he is Mark Wahlberg. But he is something better… he is THE STAGE TWO EVOLUTION OF NONE OTHER THAN JFK. (Look it up. RFK Jr is surprisingly the nephew of JFK???) Every trainer wants this Pokemon on their team.
Before we conclude today’s slightly odd episode Pokemon: Democrats and Republicans, let us have a moment of silence for the fallen Pokemon who have dropped out of the competition. Burgum, Christie, DeSantis, Elder, Hurd, Hutchinson (not Josh Hutcherson), Johnson, Pence, Ramaswamy, Scott, Suarez, and Williamson. Although their cards have been thrown aside, the Pokemon world will remember their honorable sacrifices to stop running because I, the creator of this odd episode of Pokemon: Democrats and Republicans, have less work to do. So, dear viewers, when the Pokemon League Battle: The 2024 Presidential Election rolls around, be sure to “catch ‘em all!”
