The student news site of Claremont High School

The Wolfpacket

The student news site of Claremont High School

The Wolfpacket

The student news site of Claremont High School

The Wolfpacket

SATIRE: Fortnite Fever: The Fight to Improve Status

Art+Courtesy+of+CrayonAI
Art Courtesy of CrayonAI

Just one week ago, Dr. Mitchell announced that around the world, grade, salary, and status shall now all be determined by Fortnite skill level. This has caused people to go berserk trying to improve at Fortnite. Not only that, but the OG Fortnite season from November has supposedly revived the game. ust recently, Tyler Ninja Blevins was said to be the richest man in the world. Finally, students and teachers can focus on what’s actually important, Fortnite. With increasing numbers of students wanting to be like Ninja when they grow up, it only makes sense to determine class by Fortnite skill. Students who are rumored to not be able to build have since been expelled from school, and anyone who can crank 90s was granted their diploma on the spot. Teachers are now becoming the students as they are giving students better grades just for Fortnite lessons. Students can now pursue their true passion, Fortnite without the judgment of their parents.
Mr. Thomas has been commonly acclaimed as the best Fortnite player at school today. Despite heavy backlash from his potential scandals with some students and staff claiming that he has upwards of 1000 health points per game, Mr. Thomas seems unfazed by all the rumors, boasting his record of 398 – 0.
“Haters gonna hate,” Mr. Thomas said when asked about his slippery scandals before walking away from the interview. With Thomas accumulating so much success in the Fortnite world, many have been speculating what his salary really is. This question was finally answered when his salary of 4 trillion dollars was leaked by an anonymous student. Thomas’s success has created a template for young students aspiring to be as good as him one day. This goes to show that with a little bit of cheating, anyone can hit it big.
But Thomas’s success has come at a cost; an uprising of teachers making under 50 dollars per year have been threatening Thomas, claiming that they know he has been cheating. This has created the T-BAG (Thomas is Bad At Gaming) group that has been trying to catch Thomas cheating for two weeks now. The T-BAG organization has of course been led by none other than Mr. Barcelona.
Mr. Barcelona has been rumored to be the worst Fortnite player to date, with his record of 1-2000, with his only win being due to the fact that there were strictly bots in the lobby, and even then, it’s still rumored that he bush camped. Mr. Barcelona is so bad at Fortnite that some say rather than getting a salary, he is paying the school system for his ‘lack of gaming abilities.’ Why is he so bad?
“Never back down never what?!,” Barcelona said when asked about why he continues to try to win despite his insurmountable amount of losses, leaving the entire interviewing crew completely bamboozled and some even flabbergasted.
Despite all the backlash, most have been enjoying the time they get to spend on Fortnite with no guilt from peers or the surrounding world. Students and teachers can finally drop unimportant and obscure topics like math, english, and science, and pursue what is truly important, Fortnite. Fortnite isn’t just a video game to relax and have fun with friends, Fortnite is what gets us up in the morning, Fortnite is why we eat and sleep, Fortnite is life.

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About the Contributor
William Maxwell Abbott is a sophomore and first year reporter at the Wolfpacket. Along with playing video games, Abbott also enjoys listening to music from artists such as 21 Savage. He also looks forward to meeting new people as he starts out his second year in high school, and plans to attend a four year university in the future. Although he has not decided on a major yet, Abbott’s favorite subject is history. Inside school, Abbott enjoys being a congress leader on the speech and debate team. While outside of school, Abbott is an avid enthusiast of golf and has played various other sports. He would also love to have a pet dog named ‘Munchkin’ in the future.
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