SATIRE: Christmas Carol Parodies

Nina Wu and Caroline Warren • December 21, 2023

Caroline Warren

Jack the Red-Nosed Reindeer

You know Izzy and Carrie and Carson and Anna

Isabelle, Lucas and Mayo and Naisaa

But do you recall

The most famous editor of all?

Jack-the EIC

Had some very poofy hair

And if you ever saw it

You would say it’s got the flair

All of the other members

Used to call him Jariah-Carey

They never let poor Jack

Join in any peer-editing

Then one foggy Late Night Eve

Glavin came to say

“Jack, with your hair so flair

Won’t you guide our little lair?”

Then how the reporters loved him

As they shouted out with glee

“Jack the EIC

You’ll go down in history”

Last School Year

Last School year, room 104

But the very next year, we all came to tears

This year, the stench is so bad

Room 709 can’t compare

Last year, we shared takis

But now all we get is rotten cheese

This year, can the smell disappear?

I’ll give it to Mr. Sawhill

Loud kids, all the debate kids

I keep my distance, if I come close I’ll get sick

Tell me EICs, can you please stop them?

Well, it’s been a dreadful year, we miss 104

Happy Christmas, for ROTC, they got it all

With a note saying “love 104”, I meant it

Now I know what a fool I’ve been

But now I know room 709, please let me come back

Last year, we shared takis

But now all we get is rotten cheese

This year, can the smell disappear?

I’ll give it to Mr. Sawhill

Last School year, room 104

But the very next year, we all came to tears

This year, the stench is so bad

Room 709 can’t compare

All I Want for Christmas is Early Night

I don’t want a lot for Christmas

There is just one thing I need

I don’t care about the articles

please just get me out of here

Late night is just such a drag

Article checks in the bag

Make my wish come true

All I want is for late night to end

Yeah

I don’t want a lot for Christmas

There is just one thing I need (and I)

Don’t care about the aesthetics

I don’t want to send out quote checks

The EICs won’t make me happy

Till I get to go back home

I just want to leave

Before the clock strikes nine, so please

Make my wish come true

All I want for Christmas is early night

(night)

Oh, I won’t ask for much this Christmas

I don’t even want more edits (and I)

I’m just gonna keep on waiting for a “early night” rebranding

I will make a canva post and publish my articles

I just won’t sit for two hours doing EIC edits

‘Cause I just want to leave here tonight

Let me walk home while it’s bright

What more can I do?

Oh, baby, all I want for Christmas is Early night

ohh, please

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About the Contributors

Nina Wu, Co-Head A&E Editor

Nina Wu is a junior at CHS and the Co-Head A&E Editor, advertising manager, and business manager for the Wolfpacket. Wu joined the Wolfpacket during her sophomore year and is passionate about writing (duh), music, debate, civic engagement projects, and advancement of bold food choices (after writing “Yolk vs White: Which is More Egg-cellent?” last year, Wu is looking forward to writing an article about green vs brown bananas with Assistant News editor Caroline Warren. By the way, brown>green.) Wu loves volunteering and is President of the club Project Keynote and Vice President of Legion of Voters– yes, shameless plug, go join. She is also Lincoln-Douglas Debate captain for CHS’s Speech and Debate team, and is looking forward to teaching novices the ultimate two truths: (1) Util is trutil; (2) John Locke is #1 bae (iykyk). She is eager to have another great year at the Wolfpacket!

Caroline Warren, Assistant News Editor

Caroline Warren is a junior at CHS and currently the Assistant News Editor for the Wolfpacket. Warren joined the staff her sophomore year and quickly fell in love with writing about current events, both domestic and international. She also co-authored a popular article, “Yolk vs. White: Which is More Egg-cellent?” with Co-Head A&E Editor Nina Wu. She is excited to write sequels such as “Green vs. Brown Bananas” and “Milk vs. Dark Chocolate”. Clearly, Warren could talk about her food opinions for hours. Outside of the Wolfpacket, Warren is heavily involved in extracurriculars. She is a captain for the CHS Speech and Debate team, a tutor for CLASP, a member of the Science Olympiad team, and volunteers with Interact and Rekindle. Over the summer, Warren also interned at STEM Center USA, where she taught kids how to code. Academically, she loves math and chemistry and is considering becoming a teacher or going into pediatrics. On a normal day, you can see Warren with her friends, playing with her dog, and trying to not drown in homework. She hopes you enjoy this year's issues of the Wolfpacket!