The Wolfpacket

SATIRE: I have a crush on the future U.S. President (C.R.A.P. exclusive!)

Lyle Llewellyn Mideiros, Editor-in-Chief of Claremont’s Really Academic Paper (C.R.A.P.) • February 14, 2025

First and foremost, I would like to say that this is a historical step forward for our two publications, the opportunity to have our stories right next to Claremont’s younger newspaper outlet is an amazing...

SATIRE: ChatGPT, The AI relationship you have been waiting for

Makayla Aguilera, Reporter • February 14, 2025

Are you sick of receiving chocolates from just your mom every Valentine’s Day? Or are you tired of Valentine’s plans consisting of crying into a pint of overpriced ice cream, while swiping left to...

SATIRE: Boyfriend for hire

Annabelle Brusky, Reporter • February 14, 2025

It’s February 14, and YOU are lonely. Lucky for you, for the low price of $99.99/hour, you can order an express delivery, exclusive offer, hot-to-go, one-day only, Valentine’s Day boyfriend! About...

[SATIRE] The missing assignment that went missing

Julia Little, Reporter • January 10, 2025

She could not find it. It just kinda disappeared from thin air. Her homework was GONE! But where did it go? Where did it run off to? The answer her History teacher yearns for, but there is no clear answer. Monday,...

SATIRE: Hannibal Lecter for the FDA

Annabelle Brusky, Reporter • January 10, 2025

“Well, Mr. President, have the libs stopped screaming?” On December 20, 2024, just a month shy from inauguration, President-elect Donald Trump announced another controversial choice for his cabinet....

It’s not me… it’s you. Fix your relationships.

Nina Wu and Caroline Warren • January 10, 2025

From dieting to exercising, to finally beating procrastination – there is a wide array of New Year’s resolutions. But one of the most important ones people have been consistently underperforming...

SATIRE: Mariah Scary

Brooklyn Roston, Reporter • November 22, 2024

It was a dark and snowy night in suburbia, the calendar freshly marked November 1st. The wind blew away the ghouls and filled the air with gingerbread and snow. Through the frosty window an iced over graveyard...

SATIRE: Bowlero Rule rolls into play

Tavish N Brodie, Reporter • November 22, 2024

Sports are some of the most universally recognized activities that just about every person in their life has participated in at least once. Famous for their diversity, the wide variety of sports in the...

SATIRE: 5000 Days and counting: A Journey Through the GTA 6 Wait

Makayla Aguilera, Reporter • November 1, 2024

December 25th, Journal Entry - Today was a day like no other, the snow fell beautifully onto the festive decorations and cookies were just about done in the oven. I didn’t know it yet, but I was about...

SATIRE: The Lofi Girl Stops Studying, and So Does Society: A Global Crisis Unfolds

Makayla Aguilera, Reporter • September 27, 2024

The stream has been going on for years, each and every day The Lofi Girl is streaming. Despite the countless hours, the numerous subjects studied, the material memorized, enough is enough. Since 2017,...

SATIRE: The Abused Phones Of CHS

Julia Little, Reporter • September 27, 2024

It’s early in the morning when you walk into class. The bell rings. Your teacher starts droning on and you do not know what they are on about, nor do you care. Out of the corner of your eye, you see...

SATIRE: New Prom Theme: Tik Tok Rizz Party

Fiona Wu, Reporter • May 3, 2024

Sweat drips from Turkish Quadale Dingle’s neck as he shakes it one last time to Lil Uzi Vert because “this IS what you want.” Claremont High School’s biggest event of the year is prom, and students...