The Wolfpacket

SATIRE: April Fools Gone Wrong

Annabelle Brusky, Reporter • April 4, 2025

“At first I was skeptical about joining ‘Senior-Underclassmen Saviors’ or ‘SUS’,” the freshman said. “It was a bit suspicious. And so I declined their invitation, and now they’re after me. They took my cat–my Mittens! This has gone too far, I say, too far! I miss the days when my biggest worries were about Freshman Biology and the MYP mandate...not whether some psychotic prank cult would steal my cat!”

SATIRE: The rise of the aura order

Jiseo Park, Reporter • April 4, 2025

After careful consideration, CHS has implemented an aura point system. The entirety of CUSD and most of California uses this system, so it was a surprise when Claremont High School did not agree at first....

[SATIRE] Recess Implementation At CHS

Julia Little, Reporter • March 7, 2025

Due to the lack of social interactions between students during passing periods, lunch, and mounting reports of overwhelming student stress, the Claremont Unified School District Board, in its infinite...

SATIRE: The St. Patrick’s Day massacre

Zarish Zaidi, Reporter • March 7, 2025

Rain pours down on a gloomy Monday morning, and all students have to shield themselves is a little umbrella and a hoodie. They walk into class completely soaked, uncomfortable from their drenched clothes....

SATIRE: I have a crush on the future U.S. President (C.R.A.P. exclusive!)

Lyle Llewellyn Mideiros, Editor-in-Chief of Claremont’s Really Academic Paper (C.R.A.P.) • February 14, 2025

First and foremost, I would like to say that this is a historical step forward for our two publications, the opportunity to have our stories right next to Claremont’s younger newspaper outlet is an amazing...

SATIRE: ChatGPT, The AI relationship you have been waiting for

Makayla Aguilera, Reporter • February 14, 2025

Are you sick of receiving chocolates from just your mom every Valentine’s Day? Or are you tired of Valentine’s plans consisting of crying into a pint of overpriced ice cream, while swiping left to...

SATIRE: Boyfriend for hire

Annabelle Brusky, Reporter • February 14, 2025

It’s February 14, and YOU are lonely. Lucky for you, for the low price of $99.99/hour, you can order an express delivery, exclusive offer, hot-to-go, one-day only, Valentine’s Day boyfriend! About...

[SATIRE] The missing assignment that went missing

Julia Little, Reporter • January 10, 2025

She could not find it. It just kinda disappeared from thin air. Her homework was GONE! But where did it go? Where did it run off to? The answer her History teacher yearns for, but there is no clear answer. Monday,...

SATIRE: Hannibal Lecter for the FDA

Annabelle Brusky, Reporter • January 10, 2025

“Well, Mr. President, have the libs stopped screaming?” On December 20, 2024, just a month shy from inauguration, President-elect Donald Trump announced another controversial choice for his cabinet....

It’s not me… it’s you. Fix your relationships.

Nina Wu and Caroline Warren • January 10, 2025

From dieting to exercising, to finally beating procrastination – there is a wide array of New Year’s resolutions. But one of the most important ones people have been consistently underperforming...

SATIRE: Mariah Scary

Brooklyn Roston, Reporter • November 22, 2024

It was a dark and snowy night in suburbia, the calendar freshly marked November 1st. The wind blew away the ghouls and filled the air with gingerbread and snow. Through the frosty window an iced over graveyard...

SATIRE: Bowlero Rule rolls into play

Tavish N Brodie, Reporter • November 22, 2024

Sports are some of the most universally recognized activities that just about every person in their life has participated in at least once. Famous for their diversity, the wide variety of sports in the...