Time for a confession: just like every other stereotypical teenage girl, I sometimes spend my Saturday nights watching classic chick flicks full of romance and extraordinary moments of PDA that will be etched into my brain until the day I die, like the passionate kiss that Noah and Allie share in “The Notebook.” On the screen, it is cute, but in front of my locker, not so much. Overly affectionate high school couples are always lurking around school, seeming to be at every corner, and I am sick of it.
I cannot count the number of times that I have had to slide past couples in the crux of their movie-moment passion in order to get to my locker. Get a room. People come to school to learn, not to have a front row seat to a film erotica starring you and your boyfriend. CHS is like one big awkward sex scene that happens to come on as you are watching a film with your parents; the only difference is that at school, I do not have my dad’s hand shielding my eyes when things start heating up.

Being intimate with anybody should be a special moment between the two of you, not everyone who is innocently on their way to history. I do not want to be a witness to your private moments, and if you make me one, do not be shocked when I throw up on both of you. I understand that teenagers are so hormonally charged that they crave physical touch and intimacy way too often. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, but your sexual cravings do not need to be satisfied in the middle of central quad. It is hard to portray the disgust I feel when I stumble upon a couple groping and carrying on in the midst of my passing period hustle. It is unnecessary and in a way, disrespectful to those who are present. Why can you not save all of your bursts of sexual release for when you get home? Or maybe that is why many couples are seen clinging to each other throughout campus, because they would not be allowed to do that at home. I am not sure.

I used to have this one class where people would randomly bring in their significant others and cuddle and touch each other throughout the duration of the period. It can be argued that during passing period, people should have the freedom to do whatever they want, but during class? I am already disgusted and now you are disrupting my education. It would be one thing if they were cute, laid-back couples who did not suck face in the middle of a lecture about parallelism and realism, but they are not. They are unavoidable and you cannot escape their moments of passion.

Couples at CHS, I am begging you, stop publicly shoving your tongue down your significant other’s throat. No one wants to see that, and no one should have to face it. The blatant groping needs to stop. The next thing you know, people will be tossing off their clothes at the foot of my locker. Just know that if that day comes, I will take your clothes and burn them with a blowtorch.