Sporks. What are they? Where did they come from? What is their purpose? Do these questions burden your every waking moment? Allow me to enlighten you: sporks are a bane to humanity, nothing more and nothing less. In the same annoying category as crocs, sporks are just as aggravatingly pathetic. Typing “sporks are…” into a Google search engine produces suggested searches finished with “useless,” “godlike,” “evil,” and “the eating utensils of Satan.” Now what does this tell you about sporks? It shows that they are evil devices that are dividing the nation, turning American on American and tearing this country apart. Okay, this is not entirely true but I will say this—the spork is a utensil that is 50% spoon, 50% fork, and 100% useless.

We have no time for pointless tines, and that is all sporks have to offer. Tines on forks are used to spear food that cannot be comfortably scooped by the soft hollow of a spoon and requires a brutal stabbing motion. Although seemingly savage, tines are actually quite civilized in their graceful impaling of various delectables that otherwise would not be socially acceptable or accessible. Yet the imposter tines on sporks are utterly without point, literally. These tines are stubby and dull, defeating the reason for tine and shaming the very basis that forks stand for.

The spoon is a gift to the human race unlike any other. It is able to hold a liquid substance within its center without fail. Small enough to fit into the mouth and large enough to bring an ample mouthful with every lift of one’s hand. Yet, the spoon portion of the spork is not helpful in doing its given purpose. The tines of the supposed fork part cut into the area that is supposed to be a spoon, theoretically causing hot soup to fall through and run right down your new outfit. Should the tines be short enough to not do so (furthering their uselessness), the area is still too shallow to hold any substantial amount of liquid within the concave plastic.
Sporks are as flimsy as they are humiliating. Plastic spoons and forks are just as flimsy as any given spork, as their sole purpose is not to endure the washing machine but to be easy and quick to use. At least these plastic spoons and forks can accurately accomplish their given tasks and not have to fumble in an in-between zone. Sporks are also harmful; they may not be specifically dangerous to anyone’s immediate health (although I may or may not have been stabbed with the utensil.) No, I mean dangerous in the way that their makeup is not meant to be entirely recyclable, subsequently making it dangerous to the environment. Plastic spoons and forks are not entirely recyclable either, but those utensils are sturdier and more efficient than any spork that just wastes plastic.

It is in my best interest to acknowledge the several advantages of a spork. The spork does overall offer an environmentally safer alternative to providing both a plastic fork and spoon in, say, a package provided at school lunches. Actually, that is all I have for a spork counterargument, so take that spork enthusiasts.

Now I am not saying that the idea of the spork is altogether a total waste of energy: there is a smart fella out there who designed an accomodating utensil with a fork on one end and a spoon on the other. Then there is the English runcible spoon, which is the same as an American spork, except these tend to be metal, making them slightly more efficient. Whatever the changes, however, a spork by any other name is still awful.

Overall, the spork is the disgraceful product conceived of a spoon and a fork. The spork cannot spear nor scoop, stab nor ladle; it is without purpose and without soul. The spork is an insult to the culinary world as the spoon part is too shallow to hold any liquids and the fork tines are too short to penetrate. I would not go as far as call it Hell’s shovel, but maybe instead Armageddon’s lever. I implore you to stop the reign of the spork.