When people think of February, almost everyone, especially people involved in a relationship, immediately think of Valentine’s. And as amazing as Valentine’s Day is, it overshadows an unrecognized holiday. One which brings unity, love, and happiness to our taste buds: because let’s be honest – Girl Scout cookie season is pretty much its own holiday season. Once the green table-clothed tables hit the outside of supermarkets nationwide, it can turn into an all-out battle for the last box of your favorite cookie. I chose to put my Girl Scout Cookie bias aside and craft a perfectly objective list. I, Lucas Grannis, reporter for the Wolfpacket, am the most qualified to judge these cookies. Hence I decided to go to the next level and try them all! (Except for the Trefoils, because everyone knows the taste of that.) So here they are: all of the Girl Scout Cookies, ranked worst to best. (Second note: no gluten free cookies either)

2.0/10: Adventurefulls
If anything, this cookie did live up to its name. Trying this for the first time definitely was an adventure…down the paved road of hell. The box made it seem like a delicious caramel-topped brownie. Yet the brownie sides of this tasted overcooked, and the caramel was just plain solid, making it impossible to bite into. I only gave this cookie such a high ranking because the presentation was somewhat alright. Only buy these cookies if you want to suffer several chipped teeth.

6.5/10: Do-Si-Dos
I’m going to be completely honest: I was rooting for these cookies to make it far. Unfortunately, they fell flat in the face of expectation. They had a nice, sweet creamy peanut butter mixture, but they were just that…and not much else. There was more cracker than filling, and the cookie was very dry. It reminded me of a Nature Valley bar…crumbs everywhere. This is a cookie meant to live in the cupboard at my grandparents house. For now, I’ll save my $5 for my toasted white chocolate mocha at Starbucks.

7.0/10: Lemon-Ups
Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? Well then, these cookies are for you! The positive affirmations written on these cookies are enough to cure anyone’s depression – my cookie read “You are creative,” which made me realize my potential in life and that I can be anything I set my mind to. Seriously though, these cookies were good in size, and had a delicious tart glaze with a sweet bite. It was crunchy, and minimalistic but in a well rounded way. My only complaint was that there was not enough flavoring, which added a dense, boring taste. However, that did not take away from too much of the overall enhancement of the cookie. Be sure to pick up your mental health supporting cookie today!

8.0/10: Thin Mints
I rate these fourth place out of the bunch…I contemplated for hours before writing this review. I just know that in a world that embraces cancel culture, I will be canceled for saying this, but the truth must be set free: thin mints are overrated. Before you cancel me off the face of the earth, hear me out: they have a great texture, but the crunch of the cookie is too strong – one bite sends crumbs everywhere (see previous nature valley bar reference). While the size of the cookie is easy to bite into, the chocolate taste is overpowering to the mint ratio, and my cookie melted before even being opened. I will give it fourth place, but do not expect me to feel bad for telling you the truth.

8.1/10: S’Mores
I have gotten a lot of hate for ranking S’Mores in third place. I am truly scared that the hate will turn into death threats and that the people will come for my family, but if they do, it is worth it for this cookie. The nostalgia is real for this one…it is a delightful bite with the perfect amount of chocolate, creamy marshmallow, and that crunchy sweet cracker. The mixture was absolutely perfect. My only complaint is that this was too sweet from the marshmallow flavoring, but besides that, it tops its way to third.

9.2/10: Tagalongs
We knew it was between tagalongs and samoas from the start…well, I did. If you did not, and do not agree with this list, you are not worthy enough to read this article. Just kidding (or not) but still: This cookie had everything. The mixture of chocolate and peanut butter had a creamy, rich, nutty flavor, and the chocolate mixed incredibly well. The surface of the cookie was difficult to bite into, but maybe that is just a sign for me to go see my dentist.

10.1/10: Samoas (Obviously…)
I know it is not allowed to rank something past 10.0, but with Samoas, anything is possible! (That should be a “positive affirmation message” on the lemon up cookies.) Either way, there was no question this cookie was the best of the batch. It deftly balances coconut, chocolate, and caramel with a soft cookie crust. Samoas are really the only Girl Scout cookies with a classically chewy texture, which leaves a delicious lingering taste. I would buy every box of these cookies if I could.

Overall: A great, and very expensive experience! Please do not cancel me for my thoughts on thin mints, and please do not buy samoas, those are reserved for me. Happy sugar rushes, everyone!